Sunday, March 29, 2009

Getting older... blah, blah, blah!!

That's about how I feel right now.

I'll be 31 one soon, I know some of you think that I'm still a baby and to you I say I'M NOT A BABY!!! Okay, now that I've gotten that out of the way. I want to cry *sniffles* Last year for my birthday I had fabulous friends who threw me a fabulous 30th b-day bash. It was great! I had fun, and I was actually excited about turning 30. I hated most of my 20's they were a lot harder than one might think. I had a lot happen in those years and I was a mom before I even ever turned 20. Custody battles being the biggest sour note of all of my 20's. The tail end of my 20's I had a pretty major relationship end that was devastating to me. Hopes and dreams of marriage and babies went down the tubes with him (or at least it seemed that way then, I know better now the whole fish in the sea and I'm okay without and blah blah blah).

So now here I am, still single... still a mom... still going to school... still working a job I'm not entirely happy with... still... still... still.... and I'm going to be 31, next month. I don't want anyone to acknowledge my birthday... I want it to go away. I want to pretend I'm still 30 and I have a whole year to make life GRAND! I think I had this fantasy about turning 30 that something magical would happen and lemme tell ya it really hasn't.

I realize I'm fast approaching "too old" for more babies. Pretty soon those ovaries will shrivel up and the chances will be gone. On the other hand I am no where in a place to be having babies either but my clock is going like a mad (wo) man.

I've gone backwards in the past couple of years in hopes that will bring me forward one day. I know that doesn't make sense but it was a necessary evil. I haven't accomplished anything really, or I feel like I haven't.

I guess, I'm just depressed a bit. That big sigh you heard it was me... don't mind it, whining and having a pity party today.

Sunday, March 22, 2009


I haven't written in quite some time. I'm just so overwhelmed with life.

I feel very pulled lately, everyone needs something from me. I did something this weekend, I powered down my cell phone and haven't used it. I think I'm going to do that for next weekend too.

April is set to be an extremely overwhelming month with work, school, and outside obligations to friends/family.

I know part of the problem is I don't know when or how to say no. So I've decided after April is over I'm just going to power down my cell phone often. I've already made these commitments so I'll just not make any more.

No to parties
No to going out
No I can't do that this weekend

My school work is suffering, my health is suffering, my life is suffering. For now I just want to really and truly focus on me, my schooling, my health, and my finances. I've tried the explaining it to others and people just don't get it. They think oh, its just me asking for one thing. See though, its not just you asking for one thing... its you and 15 other people.

Another issue is I work Sunday thru Thursday.... most people get Sunday to relax, I don't. So everyone wants my Friday evenings and my Saturdays but no one can seem to realize that Saturday is my Sunday, Thursday is my Friday, and Friday is my Saturday. I need a relax and get stuff done day too. Also because I'm not married I think people think I'm free to just do whatever, not true. As a matter of fact even less true, there is less money because there isn't a second income, there is less time because I must do it all and also less energy because I must do it all.

I've always been pretty suckful at time management and its time I get less suckful and it so my life doesn't drive me insane!

Of course, my mom thinks the powering down the phone this weekend is ALL about her *insert the eye rolling here* she tugs too and harasses too. She is like a big huge powerful energy sucker anyway. The powering down of the cell phone had everything to do with being tugged in too many directions. I let the people that would put an APB out on me know (my mom and a couple of close friends) I was doing this. Every time I talk to my mother she tells me something she needs. I find it not amusing. Also our relationship lately has been a pretty big failure. I don't like even talking to her for short periods of time, I find myself snapping at her and getting quite snarky. I know why it is, she refuses to see why. We've never had a good relationship anyway. I've had major thoughts of cutting half of my family out of my life completely... but then the pangs of guilt come on and I just can't do it. I can however minimize crap. Okay, okay... I know she will never read this so I can come here and vent away about her. Don't think I'm some crappy daughter please, I'm not. I'm just a girl that had a very tough childhood and my mother certainly didn't make it any easier or better, she refuses to accept her responsibility in my crappy childhood, then she leeches crap from me by way of guilt (it works good btw for her). So ummm yeah there is a lot there and lately I've had my fill.