Friday, February 27, 2009
Then I finished work and went to T's. At first I gave him his things, I talked about the non-relationship thing we had to talk about and I went to get my things. I wasn't going to talk the rest he didn't seem receptive... he looked like a mess too btw. A large portion of my stuff is located in his bathroom (curling iron... toiletries you get it), his brother (they are roommates) was in there showering. Darn it stuck or leave it, I didn't want to leave some of my toiletries my favorite lotin and soap was in there (I know stupid!).
Soooo I brought it up.. I asked why. We talked quite a bit and then we decided he was being extremely stupid (not in those words) I gave him hell too and he feels ashamed for the way things went down and how much he hurt me. We also decided that maybe we can work it out and made a plan and some words of honesty. It was the first time I heard him say all my helping him out was overwhelming for him (well it was for me too but I was trying to be a good girlfriend) so we decided to 'cool off' for a bit, he will get better at vocalizing things and I will listen to his needs and vice versa, we will see each other less but he realizes my need for plans and he will respect that and make them with me instead of the on a whim thing. There is a lot more but that's all between us anyway... maybe I've said too much already but it is here now.
So that is it for now. I'll have to keep you updated on the progress.
Next week I leave for British Columbia I'll be gone from the 4th-12th (my plane lands at 11:59 pm on the 11th so I can hardly say I'll be back then lol). I may have some time to pop in here or I may not but if I don't that is where I am with my dear sweet friend.
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
I have some important documents of his and he has some things I can pick up. I forgot something at my house (and it really is out of the way) but I'll give it to him some other time I suppose, really its his brothers and I could always meet up with his brother's girlfriend (we chit chat outside of the two of them sometimes) and give it to her too.
I'd like to talk to him, I'm going to feel out if it is too soon for him to do so... I know I'm asking for more heartache I just can't help it. If I don't think it is the right time yet then I'm going to discuss the one thing that I have to discuss with him that is more "business" type of thing and that's it. When I leave I'll just say that I'm here and if I want that I still love him.
I think he has a lot to sort out, I think he thinks he lost his job and can't take me out and do things for me, and he thinks he isn't good enough for me (the text messages from the other night say it all without saying it outright). That isn't true but he needs to work that out for himself a reminder though that I'm here basically that's it should be enough to make him think about it a bit at least and maybe he will want to work on those things himself. Maybe things will still work out I really don't know but I refuse to be the person I was during my last break-up. I refuse to crumble and turn into a crazy person. I refuse to live my life as if he was my only option... even though I have tears as I post this, and that's okay, I refuse though to let it overtake me.
Yesterday I got my nails done I really needed the boost and it was $30 well spent, this weekend a friend and I are going out to get drinks and go dancing. I'll be diva'ing it up. I've got these one silver shoes that always make me feel really good and all my guy friends are like dang girl when I wear em so those will be a good boost. I need some attention and I'll get it darn it! It always feels good after a break-up to be hit on.
My back burner friend with bennies guy has been a great support and hasn't mentioned that at all (thankfully because right now I'd sock him in the nuts) I don't want him in that way and honestly I don't want anyone that way. I learned with my last relationship (at almost 30) that I love myself more and sex is so much better with that love that I just don't want meaningless or semi-meaningless sex anymore. Plus, you weed out the better men that way I found too. What a thought. R (the friend) is a better man just not looking for the same things I am ie. marriage, he'd love a lifelong commitment in separate homes I think lol sorry not happening. However, he is a great source to lean on whenever I need him to be and a great friend to have a drink with and talk you up and I oh so enjoy a going to sporting events with him over almost anyone else.
Oh and a cheerer upper, I get to see George Clooney today he's filming where I work *swoon* Maybe I can get a picture and his autograph, we see all sorts of cool celebs at work but this is my first time seeing a filming here at work where I can get close possibly and George is worth getting close to.
Saturday, February 21, 2009
I don't know what happened but my heart is broken, I know I took this too quickly but it really was him that did and now my heart is broken and shattered yet again with no real reasons or answers.
I don't know if it really is over I just know I have a lot of pain right now and I have to be up in 4 hours to go to work and I have a sick kid and a million of other things and I just don't deal well with break-ups either. I won't go crazy and I'll be okay... I know I was okay before I met him and I'm okay now just heartbroken and confused.
Okay now that I said that out loud because it is true I just need to cry and IDK I feel very lost right now.
I know there are a lot of people out there with a lot worse going on with them but I'm allowed to take time out to hurt and not worry about that for a bit right? Its okay to be selfish and do that? Its okay to acknowledge others are going through a lot worse but its still okay for me to hurt and cry and just be the mess I am tonight... right? Because not only am I saddened I'm feeling guilty for being that way.
Update 2/20: Everything feels wrong today... my emotions are all over the place. I don't understand this at all because it truly came out of nowhere. Not only that I'm hurt regardless of how it came about. I don't understand how a couple of days ago you can say that everything is such crap in your life but one person that provides the joy he's getting and then poof do this. It makes no sense at all. Friday evening we had sex it was loving (even more so I think and everything was great Saturday morning too so why this Saturday night? Is it because he doesn't think he deserves this because he's depressed about loosing his job and trying hard to find another one without much luck? Like he has nothing to offer me and what not? He did say I deserve better (whatever that means, god its such a cliche to hear that). I know I do deserve more than the way it all went down, although there was no argument that lead up to it or anything just the way he did it was so much more hurtful it was almost like he purposely pushed me away.
I can't fix him and his problems I know that much but I could have been there for him during the rough patch. I know my friends husbands suicide was pretty triggering for him with his own father, I get that and so he has a lot on his plate. Isn't that when you lean on those that love you and not push them out and hurt them?
Thursday, February 19, 2009
The crabbiness is like out of this world crabby. OH.MY.LAWD!!!
Tomorrow we'll be on day 2 no school, here's hopin' that she can get better by Monday. Today was supposed to be the first day back at school after winter break and she didn't go, my kid was disappointed ha! I was the kid pulling the heat the thermometer on the light bulb trick like in E.T.
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
The rules for this award:Choose a minimum of 7 blogs that you find brilliant in content or design.Show the winners names and links on your blog, and leave a comment informing them that they were prized with “Honest Scrap.” There’s no prize, but they can keep the nifty icon.
List at least 10 honest things about yourself.
1. I can not stand a dirty bathroom, it will send me into much anxiety
2. I also (in the theme of the bathroom, I have a thing what can I say) can not stand absolutely EVER the bathroom fan being on at all for any reason
3. I watch 2 shows fairly reguraly Grey's and Desperate Houswives, I realize they are junk and I don't care
4. I'll try almost anything once
5. I have a not so nice pet name for my mom
6. I have changed my major in school a bazzillion times
7. I am rarely too hot, usually I am too cold and you can find me wrapped in a double fleece blanket at anytime with sweats and a sweatshirt on with an undershirt underneath of it
8. I loathe doing the dishes but love cleaning the bathroom
9. I have what my allergist calls phantom allergies and they come and go and I never know when or to what I'll react to, I have nasty life threatening reactions so it isn't fun
10. I freak out in every relationship I have ever had and usually have to be talked down from the "I'm running out of this things screaming" ledge thankfully I have good friends to do that for me
My 7 blog recommendations (please go visit them):
Jeanie in Paradise
Lifestyle of a Divorced Single Mom
Single Mom Seeking
The New Frugal Mom
Rich Single Momma
This was really hard, in reality these are blogs I frequent whenever I see a new post, all the blogs I read I love reading every single post so none more than others. I too wish I could list them all
I started it yesterday, I hope it works as well as everyone says it does. I have to admit that I feel anxious since starting it, not sure if that is just me being anxious or if the pills do that. I do feel the most anxious about an hour or so after taking it so I think it might be the pills. I also feel a bit spacey *sigh*
Monday will be my last day smoking I'm excited and sad at the same time. There is nothing like the satisfaction I feel from taking a drag from my smoke I'm going to miss it I fear. I'm excited to save the money and my health.
I think I'll post through my journey of quitting smoking.
Anyone else quit? What is your experience? Any Chantix users?
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
Here is my new financial blog: How I Became a Financial Fussbudget I made my first post yay!!
I'll work on a post to combine my financial posts from here or maybe just add the posts individually as I see fit.
Hope you enjoy!
Don't worry this blog I'll still be updating as well.
Monday, February 16, 2009
I wish I could get financing, man a loan that low would cost like 1/3 of my rent (even with taxes, insurance and a monthly payment to my savings for housing costs/repairs). Think of what I could do for my debt and finances with 2/3 rds of my income freed up. Of course I wouldn't need to do anything for my debt and finances if I was in a position that someone would approve me.
Oh well. Such is life I guess... although I'm really not feeling that right now as I type this. I really need to stop looking at houses, I can't help it, I can't stop dreaming about it.
Onto my last post and update
Today I applied for a new checking account at Fifth Third Bank, they have a really nice one for students. Now I need $50 extra bucks to open it. At which time I will close my account I have now, the totally online banking thing (I have an online bank not a bank with branches) isn't working for me. I'm waivering between opening an ING Direct savings or just using my Credit Union savings. I can only have 3 accounts money is deposited into through my direct deposit and really I need 4. I'm not good at moving the money myself... for various reasons.
My budget is a work in progress, I'm currently working it out still, I get frustrated a lot and cry a lot and start over a lot, its really never been a strong suit of mine. I need to figure out how much I need and forget how much I have and that includes all the things like entertainment, emergency fund, all those little things like a gift fund etc... then figure out how much I need after my paycheck and get creative. Dawn at Fighting Foreclosure has inspired me to that last bit.
I also started my new blog for all my financial stuff (just moments ago) I haven't come up with my introductory post yet or any of its contents either. Here it is though for when I do start How I Became a Fiscal Fussbudget
Saturday, February 7, 2009
I should be using this blog to get that out, but for some reason I can't do that.
Instead I'm going to talk about the good.
My daughter brought home a 4.0 (all A's)... there surely was never a report card like that in my hands before I became a parent. HA!! I just didn't care about my grades like she does. So a big ole WTG Sabrina for a job well done.
I have a job, there is threat of layoffs in a year depending on if the customer renews our contract or not. It is looking like not. This is somewhat a good thing though because I can plan ahead. I can be in a better financial spot than I was in April of 2007 when I was laid off for over 6 months.
I'm excited about increasing my credit score, having an emergency fund for the first time ever, and generally not drowning in the financial torrent sea I have created. I have one big expense coming up but other than that the rest is saving money. If I don't get laid off then I can use some of the emergency fund to help pay off debt. Win, win all around right? I think so.
I have a list of things I have to do:
- Re-do my budget that currently isn't working for me
- Start a savings account which earns interest
- Make a list of purchases that will reduce my bills and expenditures (odd I know but this will get covered in the new blog when I start it).
I am quitting smoking... again! You can't quit if you quit trying right?
Things with T are going smashingly well, we've had a small 'disagreement' or two but no arguments or fights since we met. He really is a great man! He has helped to get me through the hardest parts of my life I've had and he's been through it himself. It brought us a million times closer.
What is going on good for you all?
Friday, February 6, 2009
I learned about different financial schtuff and I decided to open a new blog on my road to financial whatevers. Not sure when I'll start it. I have loads and loads of posts in my head to start this particular blog but I need to come up with an intro. How weird that the intro is stumping me.
Don't worry I'll still keep up with this blog I just wanted to keep the two seperate. I guess right now though I'm just not ready to talk about things in my personal life. There is good stuff but the bad stuff has me blah!!! I do have a lot to be thankful for and this financial blog I'm going to start has me very excited and feeling in control of how some of the potentially bad stuff will turn out (like I might not have a job to come to in about a year... AGAIN!!). Giving up is NOT an option, it never is and boy am I learning what giving up does to everyone else in your life lately.