Thursday, August 13, 2009
I'm gaining weight like no tomorrow. In one month time I gained 8 pounds, EIGHT, yes EIGHT pounds. I'm tired, I'm unhealthy, I'm unfit. I need to change what I can. Starting Sunday I'm going to be 'dieting' or eating way healthy, I'm also going to be exercising (oh lawdy help me, please). I have already been doing some of this but the scales say I'm not doing enough to even keep myself at the current overweight status I was.
I'd love to loose 86 pounds but I'd settle for even 70 pounds and then going from there and seeing how I feel and what not. Losing 70 pounds will put me right in the middle of my weight range for a healthy weight for my health, 86 pounds will put me at the low end of that range and will make me entirely happy.
I won't make this blog all about my weight loss goals and exercising but I will be blogging about it. I hope that I can count on some support through it all.
Sunday, August 9, 2009
I'm on a major goal setting kick lately, I think I feel inspired or motivated for some of these goals. I know though from past experience changing too much too fast will be a sure fire way for me to throw in the towel.
I have three major goals right now:
1) Getting my side business up and running
2) Eating healthier and exercising to start my weight loss goals
3) Getting my finances in order
With these things in mind, I'm trying to decide how to go about them best. I think blogging along the way about them will help keep me on track and stay motivated, plus be accountable. Can I count on all of you to help keep me accountable?
So what I've been doing lately to reach these goals
1) Getting my side business up and running
a) Did my first paid job, it wasn't much but it was something and asking for a testimonial
b) Making a mental plan to set up a website
2) Eating healthier and exercising to start my weight loss goals
a) Joined sparkpeople.com
i) Created my profile & personal page
ii) Set up my weight loss goals and target date
iii) Posted an intro on the introductory boards
3) Getting my finances in order
a) Blogging on my other blog, How I Became a Fiscal Fussbudget
b) Held a garage sale
c) Started work on an improved budget
d) See goal #1 ;)
Expect to see more from me in the coming days, weeks, months..... I want to make sure I'm goal setting. For now I'm just going to write down my goals and what I can do in the short term to reach those goals. I don't want to get overwhelmed with long term goals since organizing and this whole proper goal setting/reaching is newer to me.
Oh, and if someone can tell me how to do this whole indentation of my a),b),c) and i),ii), iii) that would be wonderful! I couldn't figure it out and its still too early to try to do so.
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
There is nothing planned, the money just isn't there. As a single parent I can't justify spending money that isn't there. Add in that Christmas is just really around the corner and YIKES!!!
We are going to have a staycation in a way but... a lot of people that do staycations jam pack it with local things to do. I don't know that we'll do much of anything.
My aunt and uncle have generously offered up their trailer at their camp ground for 2-3 days during the week and it isn't that far we may do that. All the equipment is there so really all I need is the cost to get in for each time we leave and come back (I think it is about $5), food, and gas money. Not so bad.
We also have a wave pool that is nearby it's $5 to get into the State park (I didn't get a pass this year) and $3 for each person to swim. We can bring our own picnic lunch.
When looking at it this way we'll have plenty to do and still have a relaxing time. Honestly... relaxing is what I want the most... my kid wants fun and adventure so we can have a combo of both.
We now live with my boyfriend and so it is a little easier to be able to spend a bit more freely with someone sharing the bills... but in order for us to all live together we had to upgrade the apartment, meaning I needed more than just one bedroom so we did that. Even with the added expense of the extra room its still cheaper in rent for me so thats good. That said things were just scrapping by most months and heaven forbid an emergency happens like the car breaking down. I'd rather make a cushion so I'm not living paycheck to paycheck and that's going to take quite a bit of time to do. Living as we were for as long as we were its easy to get excited and say wooohooo we can do so much more and my daughter can have so much more. Then I think about reality... reality is we could be alone again, I could struggle again... anything could happen and it'd be nice to have that cushion and THEN be able to say woohoo we can have a real vacation or YAY, I can buy my daughter x,y,z she really deserves it (although not lately with her preteen attitude lol).
Sooo, I'm not sure what we will do on vacation but I'm going to try to make it as fun and relaxing to appease everyone as possible.
What do other strapped for cash single parents do for things like this? How do you appease yourself (relaxation) and the kid(s) with excitement and adventure with limited to no funds to do so?
Monday, August 3, 2009
Now I have new symptoms and the old one went away... turns out the old one was an infected cyst so there was something wrong just not the knee jerk reaction wrong that the doctor thought due to family history.
I feel like a hypochondriac, I find myself wondering is it that or is it the fact that I am just an odd duck and there is something there that isn't "classic case"?
*sigh* more weird symptoms... nothing is ever simple symptoms.
So here I am blogging about it because maybe they will go away that way. I've never been one to take my health serious enough until it gets bad. I ask for advice I don't take until it gets worse and then I see a doctor. I guess I just don't trust my gut when it comes to illness. As a child there are issues deeply imbedded and my relationship with ex has me questioning myself all the time too due to things he had said during our relationship.
Its funny, or rather not funny, that one can come so far in healing themselves but these things they always have a way of creeping up on you... you aren't really ever healed it just sits there. There really is no logical reason I don't trust my own instincts regarding my health and body but I have this fear that the doctors will think I'm the crazy and I'll walk out of there with the knowledge that others were right I am just over reacting or whatever it is that 'they' said. Time and time again most times I have had it proven to me I should have sought care sooner, like when I got pneumonia, I ended up really sick because I thought I just had a cold and was afraid to go to the doctor for fear I'd be laughed at for coming in for a wittle ole cold.
Stupid... yes, irrational... yes, there in my head keeping me in fear... yes. *sigh*
Anyone else like this?
Sunday, July 12, 2009
Last night though, I went to quite possibly one of the most beautiful weddings I have ever been to. I am attached now so I had my boyfriend with me, but he doesn't really do dancing so it isn't like we would have been out there for those dances but we aren't married... yet (ha ha ha) anyway so we'd have sat those out even if he did dance.... but they didn't have that kind of dance, then they also didn't do the garter belt nor did they do the throwing of the bouquet. You have no idea how much more enjoyable this wedding was to me because of those things. Somehow at least in my family (read there are a select few) someone always says something to me or does something to make me feel like I was this big, fat, ugly loser that no man wanted to be with. They didn't SAY that but what they did say made me go to that place. There was a point there where it seemed everyone was getting married, all my cousins, all my friends, all my co-workers.
One day I read an article about being single that another single mom friend at work gave to me (this was a few years ago). I felt changed and renewed, I didn't even want no stinking man so why would I let a few things said at a silly ole wedding bother me... then I went to another wedding and those silly ole things DID bother me, old feelings don't die very easily do they? See part of my feelings stem from I was never married to the kiddo's dad I've never experienced marriage or a wedding or anything and it brings up ugly feelings when people ask stupid questions at a wedding in fact... I've always wanted to answer the one about "Soooo, when are we going to come to one of these for you?" with "When you remove your head from your arse and stop asking such dumb questions" or "Oh... I had one, I didn't think I wanted you there so I didn't invite you. He's around here somewhere... where oh where did he go, oh well maybe you can meet him some other time" or "I'm saving myself for me, I don't have time for anyone else".... something quick and witty and just rude. I'm really not a rude person but just once I'd love to be lol
Last night though... I didn't want to leave the wedding at any point, it was just fun and no pressure as a single person.
I know I have gone to a few weddings attached before or with just dates and I always still left with that 'I'm a big, fat, ugly loser' feeling so it isn't that I was attached... unless it is because I feel that content feeling with who I am with and where we are going.
I wonder is it that content feeling? Is it that I've grown and I'm just able to appreciate weddings for the true beauty they are? Orrrrrr is it the fact that the reception didn't have activities that involved separating the singles out from the married couples? I don't know but I do know that I enjoyed myself and was sad to leave (I had to be at work by 5:30 am today... YAWN).
So as a single parent.... how do weddings make you feel? What do you love about them? What do you hate about them?
Saturday, June 27, 2009
I would love to rent a house but they may be a bit out of our budget about $800/mo is our limit but I'd like to keep it at $600-$700/mo unless we find a beauty or something with a huge yard or something.
So far this is what we have found:
This we are looking at either Tuesday or Wednesday. So far by pictures it is my favorite that is readily available.
We want to look at this but the landlord hasn't answered email or phone we drove by it its still up for rent, pictures don't do it justice I don't think but oh well the yard really has great potential and Sabrina could ride her bike back and forth between her dad's house and this place which automatically makes it 100% ideal.
I'm going to call about this one today too & this one but it is REALLLY REALLY SMALL almost as small as a 1 bedroom apt so I doubt we would like it.
We have a few apartments in mind that are really gorgeous but we'd like to find a house that we could potentially buy if the landlord would let us if at all possible.
Rentals are few and far between even apartments are here in the school district. I found a total of two houses for rent the one with the youtube video and one that was already rented out that really was the PERFECT home for us, I was so disappointed :( here it is if you want to see it you'll immediately see why I loved it. Who knows maybe it will be up for rent again soon, I gave the guy my number just in case to keep us in mind anytime it comes up for rent. He also told me he had a daughter with a house for rent in the same area 2 bedrooms but no basement for slightly less than that one. He was supposed to give her my number but I haven't heard anything yet.
We do have some time but if we find the right place that is just perfect we are going to take it, for now we are getting ideas of what is available and for what prices. I'm finding there aren't any rentals really in the school district, I found city stats (for our city, there are 3 that farm into the school because they are so small) and only something like 12% of the population are renters, which means there aren't a lot available... good thing I have 3 "cities" to choose from (I put that in quotations because using that word just seems funny they are more like teeny tiny towns).
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
I had to post today, because they won!!! Also though, because she hit the ball TWICE and got home TWICE, she did strike out once and also she got out once but man it is soooo cool to see the smile on that kid's face when she comes back after she hit it and even got out let alone making it home. Her team is such good sports they cheer hard for her when she hits the ball harder than any other player even when she gets out after hitting it. Its really cool because they are so much more advanced than she is and sometimes she really 'drops the ball' when they could have won but they never ever let her see their disappointment in her. What a great team huh?
They do little cheers through the whole game... my favorite
"(players name) baby, you look so good to me, you're driving me crazy come on hit the ball for me. Oh (players name) baby come on hit the ball for me..." it goes on. Its just something you never hear in a boys game. Girls are great aren't they?
Monday, June 22, 2009
Back in the day a single parent would basically mean parenting totally alone ie. a single mom typically where the dad got every other weekend time with the children and sometimes took it and sometimes didn't.
Now you hear the term single mom/single dad/single parent all over the place. Military spouses call themselves single parents when the other parent is deployed, dads who have EOW (Extended over weekend) and one day a week parenting time call themselves single dads, moms who share joint custody with the dad call themselves single moms. Everyone without or even sometimes with a spouse are single parents.
So to you what makes a single parent? What makes you a single parent? I'm intrigued to know.
For me it is the fact that I am unmarried, parenting a child... I do have to share custody and I do have to co-parent but at my home I parent alone there is no one to pick up the slack or help with the bills, there is no one who does any of that but me. Now I do have a boyfriend and he does help with all the slack stuff when he is here and I have never had that before so its very new to me and I can't believe how much easier life is when he is around to help with the laundry, or start dinner, do the dishes.... I have to be very careful not to take too much advantage of this because I feel it creep up all the time like ohhh I'll just leave that for T he'll be here soon before I know it I'm half finishing everything because I know he'll help... so I have to catch myself and say no... this is my job and he loves helping me because it makes me happy but it isn't his job.
Oh boy, I kept going in my true fashion huh? lol I have a tendency to over explain ha!!!
Sunday, June 14, 2009
Keeping busy and trying to fit in some me time when I can squeeze it in. Hopefully by next week I'll be back on track and posting again :)
Sunday, May 24, 2009
Last nights stressful moment, getting a call from my mom saying her Blood Pressure was 75/45 and I had to call her an ambulance and rush over there. When paramedics got there it was 100/60 not sure if something was wrong with the way she was doing it or not but 100/60 is low too especially for someone who usually has high Blood Pressure. She's also having trouble regulating her mental health medications and that has lead to some scary stuff as well. I'm wondering if its just the meds or if she is going into some early Alzhiemers its hard to say with someone with her history.
I'm also busy with the kiddo last week and this week has me having to be somewhere with her every single night this week. Softball, band, GS, end of year stuff has us running crazy.
Keep us in your thoughts please.
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
The talking it doesn't stop. We enacted some rules it seems she hasn't been following so now there will be new restrictions on her phone use and how to keep her off of it when she shouldn't be on it.
Her phone is checked periodically she knows this. Her records everything... so when she'd been really good about it we've laxed. I check on her the other night its a school night and it is 10:30 pm and she was on her phone... TALKING to her friend.
New rule, phone goes up at night. Why didn't we think of that before? Well she's been responsible and shown we didn't need to.
I actually find it kind of amusing but don't tell her that... I gave her the stern face and the lecture. Really though, did she think she could hide it? I went and checked and she's been doing it for a couple of weeks which means her dad hasn't been checking records lately either. They have a new rule there too because... da da da da... she got caught there too. Is it odd I find it so amusing? Because this post it makes me chuckle.
Also it is sort of refreshing to see her have some normal behavior for her age group and know it is normal behavior. For so long we had so many troubles it is kind of nice. Weird in a way yes but not uncommon for parents with kids who have had/have special needs and issues with behavior.
So what are your cell phone rules for your kids?
Sunday, May 10, 2009
Today I am at work, my child is sleeping still soundly in the bed. I hope to return home to something cleaned oh how nice that would be wouldn't it?
When I get home I'm making dinner for Sabrina, my mom, and myself. We are having potatoes, green beans, and pork chops. This should be interesting as I am in a splint that immobilizes my wrist and arm.
I contemplated just coming home and heating up pizza rolls and calling it a night but I'm trying to be fit and healthy and that is not all that healthy so while the other meal isn't 100% healthy either it is healthier than pizza rolls.
My mom wanted us to come over there to cook but I told her no I have to work I can't do all of that. I think she knew I was serious because she didn't argue much about it.
Before I snuggle myself in bed, early of course, I am going to take a nice hot bath as a treat to myself.
What are you doing today?
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
I got Wii Fit this past Thursday as a gift for my birthday and actually that has been helping. The kicker is I had to see the lawyer on my Birthday to get a consult. I retained him.
I'm in this mess for several reasons a big one is custody crap the other big one is medical bills. I'm not even in credit card debt really.
I'm overwhelmed, completely and utterly... but I'm hanging in there and I'm doing things to not feel so overwhelmed.
There are also some family issues going on I'm not really ready to discuss here but its been rough. It will get better though... I hope.
Onto some good things... my kiddo is in softball and its fun to watch, I took Sunday off as a floater and relaxed all day. Some laundry was done and dinner was cooked other than that I sat on the couch all day long it was bliss, sheer bliss.
Sunday, April 26, 2009
The next thing I realized was that my Uncle was playing cards with the guys most of the day/evening so he wasn't there to cause ruckus among everyone. I also noticed my mother wasn't there and this allowed for me to relax and not be totally stressed.
The stress that my mother causes me is really unreal. I'm not quite understanding how a mother can do that to her child.
I realized I still have a lot of anger and resentment towards her and it isn't likely to go anywhere soon unless she takes on the responsibility for the things she did to cause those feelings towards her. That is likely to never happen.
Why do I stay in contact with her? I do not know, I can not answer that except to say I'm not ready to write her off completely and disown her.
She drives me batty though, and when you add her along with the other stresses in my life at the moment it doesn't make for good health that is for sure.
Work is another issue driving me crazy, I'm hoping that in the near future I can leave this office and not look back. Out of the few issues causing me enough stress to impact my health work is another one. Money issues, work, and my mother I can pin point the stressors in my life but there isn't much I can do about any of them.
School isn't going so well and again I can say the stress in my life has a negative impact on school. I need to be able to focus more on school, myself and my child. Work and my mother don't take heed and just take, take, take from me. My work schedule is pretty stressful at the moment and I never seem to have more than a day off at a time. They cut out overtime, which I was excited about until the impact of no overtime meant that really we work some crazy crap to make up for the no OT to cover the uncovered shifts (due to vacations, sickness....). I find myself needing/wanting a week off for mental health instead of an occasional mental health day. I find myself contemplating the foot surgery that really costs more than I can afford just so I can have time off of work. How crazy is that? I want surgery to get away from this place for a bit. Yeah that isn't a good thing I'm not thinking.
It seems as if I need a break lately... that's because a lot of crap is coming all at one time and I see no stress relief. I'm trying to be less of a bury your head in the sand type gal (that is how I've dealt with stressors in the past) and deal with things but I definitely need to find a balance somewhere.
I've decided that I can go to school part time instead, a concession I didn't want to make in good times school makes me happy and makes me feel good I'm working towards something for myself and for my daughter. I'm sure this will cause more resentment towards the job and other things but it is what it is for now. I'm used to giving concessions so it won't be anything new to me. I'll just make it work out for the best and do whatever it is I need to do.
I've decided to say no to people whenever possible on social things. Lately even social things stress me out because of my work schedule being what it is it is difficult for me to attend and not compromise my sleep and down time. This is one that is going to be extremely difficult for me to do.
I've decided too look into something I think whiles stressful might alleviate some of the other stressors. I'm looking into it at the moment so I'm not sure if its an option for me but we'll see.
So in ending for today, there is a lot going on more than I've even posted or let on to but I'm working at doing more than swimming against the current, I want to swim with it for once while I breath and enjoy.
Sunday, April 19, 2009
Sometimes this will come up in conversation when talking about the stresses of single parenting (or even parenting partnered). It always makes me cringe. I may not hear the "I have it harder" part come out of their mouth but I do hear the "at least you get a break" which really is saying "I have it harder than you do". Really? A break from what? Parenting? Really? You think it stops because my daughter is with her dad?
Wow, if only we should be so lucky those of us that have any type of shared parenting. Just like parents who do it all on their own so do parents who have shared parenting.
Parenting doesn't stop when your child is with the other parent. I must still be a mom. Sure, I may not have to rush home to make dinner but I can tell you the "extra time" I get sans child is not spent whooping it up. I'm cleaning, signing permission slips, preparing dinners ahead, doing MY school work because I need to finish school for my child as much as I do for myself, running to the grocery store, putting in extra hours at work so I can bring in enough money... the list really does go on and on and on.
Then there are other parental obligations like just because it is dad's time with the child doesn't mean all things stop, there are still activities the kids are involved in, games, events, parent-teacher meetings, orthodontist appointments, therapy appointments, doctors appointments. It just never really stops.
I have a couple of friends that will never ever get this and a particular (well a few) family members that won't ever get it either. Its irritating yet entertaining in a way that they actually think parenting stops when a child is with their other parent.
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
Those of you that have been through this kids childhood with me will know that this is a huge thing for her. She has always resisted anything social or interacting with other kids and sports. Last summer she came to me and said she wanted to play softball. It was too late to sign her up then but I said we would this year. The sign up sheets went up and she was all excited and asked if she could do it.
What makes this even better is it is only $30 to play and our local fire department sponsors the girls so all they need is their pants and I've been told cleats are optional and most girls don't have them. YAY!!!
I'm so excited and proud of my little uhhh I mean growing girl. She is still getting a 4.0 in school too!!!
This is no small accomplishment for her at all she has worked hard and now is becoming like this blossoming kid. She used to struggle so hard and was so totally socially inept. I worried for years, if someone had told me she'd have come this far I'd have thought they were crazy now I'm clinging to this new phase we are in.
I couldn't be a happier or prouder parent.
It is hard for me to go to some of my friends who are still struggling with challenging children. The medications she started a little over a year ago have really made the difference. Her medications before that made a difference but this one has really helped her grow to her fullest potential.
I can't wait to see what more is in store and what she becomes!
Monday, April 13, 2009
Thursday, April 2, 2009
What I need to do is make things easier to clean, get more organized and get rid of clutter.
I'm so bad at that, I blame my ADD. I start one thing and go "ohhhh that needs to be done" and all of a sudden I'm doing something else. That happens all.day.long.
I want to find ways to organize the clutter that needs to be kept and I have such limited space you wouldn't believe it and more stuff than I know what to do with. I wish I could have a garage sale but since I rent in an apartment complex lol that isn't happening. I have stuff that I could generate money on (money that would be very useful) but I'm not quite sure that will happen. Donating it is probably best rather than holding onto it hoping there is some way to sell it. Someone else can clutter their home then ha!
Now... to find the motivation.
Sunday, March 29, 2009
I'll be 31 one soon, I know some of you think that I'm still a baby and to you I say I'M NOT A BABY!!! Okay, now that I've gotten that out of the way. I want to cry *sniffles* Last year for my birthday I had fabulous friends who threw me a fabulous 30th b-day bash. It was great! I had fun, and I was actually excited about turning 30. I hated most of my 20's they were a lot harder than one might think. I had a lot happen in those years and I was a mom before I even ever turned 20. Custody battles being the biggest sour note of all of my 20's. The tail end of my 20's I had a pretty major relationship end that was devastating to me. Hopes and dreams of marriage and babies went down the tubes with him (or at least it seemed that way then, I know better now the whole fish in the sea and I'm okay without and blah blah blah).
So now here I am, still single... still a mom... still going to school... still working a job I'm not entirely happy with... still... still... still.... and I'm going to be 31, next month. I don't want anyone to acknowledge my birthday... I want it to go away. I want to pretend I'm still 30 and I have a whole year to make life GRAND! I think I had this fantasy about turning 30 that something magical would happen and lemme tell ya it really hasn't.
I realize I'm fast approaching "too old" for more babies. Pretty soon those ovaries will shrivel up and the chances will be gone. On the other hand I am no where in a place to be having babies either but my clock is going like a mad (wo) man.
I've gone backwards in the past couple of years in hopes that will bring me forward one day. I know that doesn't make sense but it was a necessary evil. I haven't accomplished anything really, or I feel like I haven't.
I guess, I'm just depressed a bit. That big sigh you heard it was me... don't mind it, whining and having a pity party today.
Sunday, March 22, 2009
I feel very pulled lately, everyone needs something from me. I did something this weekend, I powered down my cell phone and haven't used it. I think I'm going to do that for next weekend too.
April is set to be an extremely overwhelming month with work, school, and outside obligations to friends/family.
I know part of the problem is I don't know when or how to say no. So I've decided after April is over I'm just going to power down my cell phone often. I've already made these commitments so I'll just not make any more.
No to parties
No to going out
No I can't do that this weekend
My school work is suffering, my health is suffering, my life is suffering. For now I just want to really and truly focus on me, my schooling, my health, and my finances. I've tried the explaining it to others and people just don't get it. They think oh, its just me asking for one thing. See though, its not just you asking for one thing... its you and 15 other people.
Another issue is I work Sunday thru Thursday.... most people get Sunday to relax, I don't. So everyone wants my Friday evenings and my Saturdays but no one can seem to realize that Saturday is my Sunday, Thursday is my Friday, and Friday is my Saturday. I need a relax and get stuff done day too. Also because I'm not married I think people think I'm free to just do whatever, not true. As a matter of fact even less true, there is less money because there isn't a second income, there is less time because I must do it all and also less energy because I must do it all.
I've always been pretty suckful at time management and its time I get less suckful and it so my life doesn't drive me insane!
Of course, my mom thinks the powering down the phone this weekend is ALL about her *insert the eye rolling here* she tugs too and harasses too. She is like a big huge powerful energy sucker anyway. The powering down of the cell phone had everything to do with being tugged in too many directions. I let the people that would put an APB out on me know (my mom and a couple of close friends) I was doing this. Every time I talk to my mother she tells me something she needs. I find it not amusing. Also our relationship lately has been a pretty big failure. I don't like even talking to her for short periods of time, I find myself snapping at her and getting quite snarky. I know why it is, she refuses to see why. We've never had a good relationship anyway. I've had major thoughts of cutting half of my family out of my life completely... but then the pangs of guilt come on and I just can't do it. I can however minimize crap. Okay, okay... I know she will never read this so I can come here and vent away about her. Don't think I'm some crappy daughter please, I'm not. I'm just a girl that had a very tough childhood and my mother certainly didn't make it any easier or better, she refuses to accept her responsibility in my crappy childhood, then she leeches crap from me by way of guilt (it works good btw for her). So ummm yeah there is a lot there and lately I've had my fill.
Friday, February 27, 2009
Then I finished work and went to T's. At first I gave him his things, I talked about the non-relationship thing we had to talk about and I went to get my things. I wasn't going to talk the rest he didn't seem receptive... he looked like a mess too btw. A large portion of my stuff is located in his bathroom (curling iron... toiletries you get it), his brother (they are roommates) was in there showering. Darn it stuck or leave it, I didn't want to leave some of my toiletries my favorite lotin and soap was in there (I know stupid!).
Soooo I brought it up.. I asked why. We talked quite a bit and then we decided he was being extremely stupid (not in those words) I gave him hell too and he feels ashamed for the way things went down and how much he hurt me. We also decided that maybe we can work it out and made a plan and some words of honesty. It was the first time I heard him say all my helping him out was overwhelming for him (well it was for me too but I was trying to be a good girlfriend) so we decided to 'cool off' for a bit, he will get better at vocalizing things and I will listen to his needs and vice versa, we will see each other less but he realizes my need for plans and he will respect that and make them with me instead of the on a whim thing. There is a lot more but that's all between us anyway... maybe I've said too much already but it is here now.
So that is it for now. I'll have to keep you updated on the progress.
Next week I leave for British Columbia I'll be gone from the 4th-12th (my plane lands at 11:59 pm on the 11th so I can hardly say I'll be back then lol). I may have some time to pop in here or I may not but if I don't that is where I am with my dear sweet friend.
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
I have some important documents of his and he has some things I can pick up. I forgot something at my house (and it really is out of the way) but I'll give it to him some other time I suppose, really its his brothers and I could always meet up with his brother's girlfriend (we chit chat outside of the two of them sometimes) and give it to her too.
I'd like to talk to him, I'm going to feel out if it is too soon for him to do so... I know I'm asking for more heartache I just can't help it. If I don't think it is the right time yet then I'm going to discuss the one thing that I have to discuss with him that is more "business" type of thing and that's it. When I leave I'll just say that I'm here and if I want that I still love him.
I think he has a lot to sort out, I think he thinks he lost his job and can't take me out and do things for me, and he thinks he isn't good enough for me (the text messages from the other night say it all without saying it outright). That isn't true but he needs to work that out for himself a reminder though that I'm here basically that's it should be enough to make him think about it a bit at least and maybe he will want to work on those things himself. Maybe things will still work out I really don't know but I refuse to be the person I was during my last break-up. I refuse to crumble and turn into a crazy person. I refuse to live my life as if he was my only option... even though I have tears as I post this, and that's okay, I refuse though to let it overtake me.
Yesterday I got my nails done I really needed the boost and it was $30 well spent, this weekend a friend and I are going out to get drinks and go dancing. I'll be diva'ing it up. I've got these one silver shoes that always make me feel really good and all my guy friends are like dang girl when I wear em so those will be a good boost. I need some attention and I'll get it darn it! It always feels good after a break-up to be hit on.
My back burner friend with bennies guy has been a great support and hasn't mentioned that at all (thankfully because right now I'd sock him in the nuts) I don't want him in that way and honestly I don't want anyone that way. I learned with my last relationship (at almost 30) that I love myself more and sex is so much better with that love that I just don't want meaningless or semi-meaningless sex anymore. Plus, you weed out the better men that way I found too. What a thought. R (the friend) is a better man just not looking for the same things I am ie. marriage, he'd love a lifelong commitment in separate homes I think lol sorry not happening. However, he is a great source to lean on whenever I need him to be and a great friend to have a drink with and talk you up and I oh so enjoy a going to sporting events with him over almost anyone else.
Oh and a cheerer upper, I get to see George Clooney today he's filming where I work *swoon* Maybe I can get a picture and his autograph, we see all sorts of cool celebs at work but this is my first time seeing a filming here at work where I can get close possibly and George is worth getting close to.
Saturday, February 21, 2009
I don't know what happened but my heart is broken, I know I took this too quickly but it really was him that did and now my heart is broken and shattered yet again with no real reasons or answers.
I don't know if it really is over I just know I have a lot of pain right now and I have to be up in 4 hours to go to work and I have a sick kid and a million of other things and I just don't deal well with break-ups either. I won't go crazy and I'll be okay... I know I was okay before I met him and I'm okay now just heartbroken and confused.
Okay now that I said that out loud because it is true I just need to cry and IDK I feel very lost right now.
I know there are a lot of people out there with a lot worse going on with them but I'm allowed to take time out to hurt and not worry about that for a bit right? Its okay to be selfish and do that? Its okay to acknowledge others are going through a lot worse but its still okay for me to hurt and cry and just be the mess I am tonight... right? Because not only am I saddened I'm feeling guilty for being that way.
Update 2/20: Everything feels wrong today... my emotions are all over the place. I don't understand this at all because it truly came out of nowhere. Not only that I'm hurt regardless of how it came about. I don't understand how a couple of days ago you can say that everything is such crap in your life but one person that provides the joy he's getting and then poof do this. It makes no sense at all. Friday evening we had sex it was loving (even more so I think and everything was great Saturday morning too so why this Saturday night? Is it because he doesn't think he deserves this because he's depressed about loosing his job and trying hard to find another one without much luck? Like he has nothing to offer me and what not? He did say I deserve better (whatever that means, god its such a cliche to hear that). I know I do deserve more than the way it all went down, although there was no argument that lead up to it or anything just the way he did it was so much more hurtful it was almost like he purposely pushed me away.
I can't fix him and his problems I know that much but I could have been there for him during the rough patch. I know my friends husbands suicide was pretty triggering for him with his own father, I get that and so he has a lot on his plate. Isn't that when you lean on those that love you and not push them out and hurt them?
Thursday, February 19, 2009
The crabbiness is like out of this world crabby. OH.MY.LAWD!!!
Tomorrow we'll be on day 2 no school, here's hopin' that she can get better by Monday. Today was supposed to be the first day back at school after winter break and she didn't go, my kid was disappointed ha! I was the kid pulling the heat the thermometer on the light bulb trick like in E.T.
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
The rules for this award:Choose a minimum of 7 blogs that you find brilliant in content or design.Show the winners names and links on your blog, and leave a comment informing them that they were prized with “Honest Scrap.” There’s no prize, but they can keep the nifty icon.
List at least 10 honest things about yourself.
1. I can not stand a dirty bathroom, it will send me into much anxiety
2. I also (in the theme of the bathroom, I have a thing what can I say) can not stand absolutely EVER the bathroom fan being on at all for any reason
3. I watch 2 shows fairly reguraly Grey's and Desperate Houswives, I realize they are junk and I don't care
4. I'll try almost anything once
5. I have a not so nice pet name for my mom
6. I have changed my major in school a bazzillion times
7. I am rarely too hot, usually I am too cold and you can find me wrapped in a double fleece blanket at anytime with sweats and a sweatshirt on with an undershirt underneath of it
8. I loathe doing the dishes but love cleaning the bathroom
9. I have what my allergist calls phantom allergies and they come and go and I never know when or to what I'll react to, I have nasty life threatening reactions so it isn't fun
10. I freak out in every relationship I have ever had and usually have to be talked down from the "I'm running out of this things screaming" ledge thankfully I have good friends to do that for me
My 7 blog recommendations (please go visit them):
Jeanie in Paradise
Lifestyle of a Divorced Single Mom
Single Mom Seeking
The New Frugal Mom
Rich Single Momma
This was really hard, in reality these are blogs I frequent whenever I see a new post, all the blogs I read I love reading every single post so none more than others. I too wish I could list them all
I started it yesterday, I hope it works as well as everyone says it does. I have to admit that I feel anxious since starting it, not sure if that is just me being anxious or if the pills do that. I do feel the most anxious about an hour or so after taking it so I think it might be the pills. I also feel a bit spacey *sigh*
Monday will be my last day smoking I'm excited and sad at the same time. There is nothing like the satisfaction I feel from taking a drag from my smoke I'm going to miss it I fear. I'm excited to save the money and my health.
I think I'll post through my journey of quitting smoking.
Anyone else quit? What is your experience? Any Chantix users?
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
Here is my new financial blog: How I Became a Financial Fussbudget I made my first post yay!!
I'll work on a post to combine my financial posts from here or maybe just add the posts individually as I see fit.
Hope you enjoy!
Don't worry this blog I'll still be updating as well.
Monday, February 16, 2009
I wish I could get financing, man a loan that low would cost like 1/3 of my rent (even with taxes, insurance and a monthly payment to my savings for housing costs/repairs). Think of what I could do for my debt and finances with 2/3 rds of my income freed up. Of course I wouldn't need to do anything for my debt and finances if I was in a position that someone would approve me.
Oh well. Such is life I guess... although I'm really not feeling that right now as I type this. I really need to stop looking at houses, I can't help it, I can't stop dreaming about it.
Onto my last post and update
Today I applied for a new checking account at Fifth Third Bank, they have a really nice one for students. Now I need $50 extra bucks to open it. At which time I will close my account I have now, the totally online banking thing (I have an online bank not a bank with branches) isn't working for me. I'm waivering between opening an ING Direct savings or just using my Credit Union savings. I can only have 3 accounts money is deposited into through my direct deposit and really I need 4. I'm not good at moving the money myself... for various reasons.
My budget is a work in progress, I'm currently working it out still, I get frustrated a lot and cry a lot and start over a lot, its really never been a strong suit of mine. I need to figure out how much I need and forget how much I have and that includes all the things like entertainment, emergency fund, all those little things like a gift fund etc... then figure out how much I need after my paycheck and get creative. Dawn at Fighting Foreclosure has inspired me to that last bit.
I also started my new blog for all my financial stuff (just moments ago) I haven't come up with my introductory post yet or any of its contents either. Here it is though for when I do start How I Became a Fiscal Fussbudget
Saturday, February 7, 2009
I should be using this blog to get that out, but for some reason I can't do that.
Instead I'm going to talk about the good.
My daughter brought home a 4.0 (all A's)... there surely was never a report card like that in my hands before I became a parent. HA!! I just didn't care about my grades like she does. So a big ole WTG Sabrina for a job well done.
I have a job, there is threat of layoffs in a year depending on if the customer renews our contract or not. It is looking like not. This is somewhat a good thing though because I can plan ahead. I can be in a better financial spot than I was in April of 2007 when I was laid off for over 6 months.
I'm excited about increasing my credit score, having an emergency fund for the first time ever, and generally not drowning in the financial torrent sea I have created. I have one big expense coming up but other than that the rest is saving money. If I don't get laid off then I can use some of the emergency fund to help pay off debt. Win, win all around right? I think so.
I have a list of things I have to do:
- Re-do my budget that currently isn't working for me
- Start a savings account which earns interest
- Make a list of purchases that will reduce my bills and expenditures (odd I know but this will get covered in the new blog when I start it).
I am quitting smoking... again! You can't quit if you quit trying right?
Things with T are going smashingly well, we've had a small 'disagreement' or two but no arguments or fights since we met. He really is a great man! He has helped to get me through the hardest parts of my life I've had and he's been through it himself. It brought us a million times closer.
What is going on good for you all?
Friday, February 6, 2009
I learned about different financial schtuff and I decided to open a new blog on my road to financial whatevers. Not sure when I'll start it. I have loads and loads of posts in my head to start this particular blog but I need to come up with an intro. How weird that the intro is stumping me.
Don't worry I'll still keep up with this blog I just wanted to keep the two seperate. I guess right now though I'm just not ready to talk about things in my personal life. There is good stuff but the bad stuff has me blah!!! I do have a lot to be thankful for and this financial blog I'm going to start has me very excited and feeling in control of how some of the potentially bad stuff will turn out (like I might not have a job to come to in about a year... AGAIN!!). Giving up is NOT an option, it never is and boy am I learning what giving up does to everyone else in your life lately.
Sunday, January 25, 2009
I have had a personal emergency, I will be back as soon as I feel up to it. Right now I'll read and comment on your blogs.
Stay tuned though because when I start hopefully it will be good.
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
So I decided one thing I need to work on is the food bill, while I still want to eat healthy (as that is a goal this year is to loose weight), I need to do that in an economical way.
Step 1: I will be using up everything I already have in the house and will not replace until I use all of these things, minus perishables like bread, milk, meat....
I have already used almost all of the meat so I will need to make a trip to the store soon. This will be hard not to buy some snack or another, or additional ingrediants to make things we enjoy.
After this I will go onto Step 2, which is meal planning, coupon cutting, freezing meals etc... As I journey through this I'll post some of the great meal finds in the grocery strike and some of the not so great meals too, so you all can read my progress.
Wish me luck!!
Sunday, January 11, 2009
Also this is one thing I can take out of the budget because anything that comes directly out of the paycheck isn't counted as income. I am needing to re-do my budget again anyway. Thanks to Jennifer at Lifestyle of a Divorced Single Mom and her budget spreadsheet things on the financial front are coming along. Pretty soon I may even have a savings account that has actual money in it. Who knows. All I do know is that is no longer a dream but a reality.