Sunday, March 29, 2009

Getting older... blah, blah, blah!!

That's about how I feel right now.

I'll be 31 one soon, I know some of you think that I'm still a baby and to you I say I'M NOT A BABY!!! Okay, now that I've gotten that out of the way. I want to cry *sniffles* Last year for my birthday I had fabulous friends who threw me a fabulous 30th b-day bash. It was great! I had fun, and I was actually excited about turning 30. I hated most of my 20's they were a lot harder than one might think. I had a lot happen in those years and I was a mom before I even ever turned 20. Custody battles being the biggest sour note of all of my 20's. The tail end of my 20's I had a pretty major relationship end that was devastating to me. Hopes and dreams of marriage and babies went down the tubes with him (or at least it seemed that way then, I know better now the whole fish in the sea and I'm okay without and blah blah blah).

So now here I am, still single... still a mom... still going to school... still working a job I'm not entirely happy with... still... still... still.... and I'm going to be 31, next month. I don't want anyone to acknowledge my birthday... I want it to go away. I want to pretend I'm still 30 and I have a whole year to make life GRAND! I think I had this fantasy about turning 30 that something magical would happen and lemme tell ya it really hasn't.

I realize I'm fast approaching "too old" for more babies. Pretty soon those ovaries will shrivel up and the chances will be gone. On the other hand I am no where in a place to be having babies either but my clock is going like a mad (wo) man.

I've gone backwards in the past couple of years in hopes that will bring me forward one day. I know that doesn't make sense but it was a necessary evil. I haven't accomplished anything really, or I feel like I haven't.

I guess, I'm just depressed a bit. That big sigh you heard it was me... don't mind it, whining and having a pity party today.

7 comments:

Single Mom Seeking said...

You're allowed to have a pity party -- as long as you keep taking care of yourself, okay? Just the basics: eating, sleeping, being with friends...

31 here you come!!

Kari said...

I'll keep taking care of myself. I had a bath last night that was heavenly with a bath bomb from Lush (what a treat!). Eating is never a problem ha! I made Sabrina's favorite tonight chicken and dumplings and that made me feel really useful and good. I actually slept really good last night, better than I have in weeks. Which is good because I may have gone insane if I didn't get a good nights sleep soon. Saturday, I have plans with some friends. I have seriously great, totally awsome friends I know I'll enjoy it.

I know if I allow myself to "hide" I will get seriously depressed, I don't want that nor can I afford it.

Thank you Rachel for 'listening' its good to know someone is out there.

jeanie said...

Oh, can I one up you with the "I'll take your thirty one and raise you nine" next month, honey?

You have many more years of memories and dreams ahead of you.

Hugs - and yay to the bubble bath!!

Loz said...

You're too young for a midlife crisis methinks. Let me tell you that it is important to live each day as if it is your last. Look for the joy in things. When you do you'll find that the feelings of self pity actually do go away. I know that it is easier said than done but take it from someone who is 51 that one day you will look back at 31 and wonder where the time went. :)

pisceshanna said...

Hey aren't your 30s supposed to be the height of your sexual prowess? I think there's still time to make babies!

Kari said...

Firstly welcome LOZ and piceshanna and thank you for the responses!!

I think I just got into a funk. I'm good now.

I didn't know that 30's are a woman's sexual peak well there is something now isn't there?

I Have a goal I really think will help. Photography gives me peace and calmness. I think I'll save for that camera so I can take beautiful photographs again. Loz your response made me think and I was like ohhh yeah!!!

Jeanie, you can but one up me but only for you ;)

Loz said...

You're welcome Kari and thanks for the return visit :)