Sunday, April 26, 2009

Family time, work, school... LIFE

Yesterday, we went to a family function. My cousin's son made his First Communion. I had a really nice time and I realized something... it was relatively stress free, normally our family functions are not stress free.

The next thing I realized was that my Uncle was playing cards with the guys most of the day/evening so he wasn't there to cause ruckus among everyone. I also noticed my mother wasn't there and this allowed for me to relax and not be totally stressed.

The stress that my mother causes me is really unreal. I'm not quite understanding how a mother can do that to her child.

I realized I still have a lot of anger and resentment towards her and it isn't likely to go anywhere soon unless she takes on the responsibility for the things she did to cause those feelings towards her. That is likely to never happen.

Why do I stay in contact with her? I do not know, I can not answer that except to say I'm not ready to write her off completely and disown her.

She drives me batty though, and when you add her along with the other stresses in my life at the moment it doesn't make for good health that is for sure.

Work is another issue driving me crazy, I'm hoping that in the near future I can leave this office and not look back. Out of the few issues causing me enough stress to impact my health work is another one. Money issues, work, and my mother I can pin point the stressors in my life but there isn't much I can do about any of them.

School isn't going so well and again I can say the stress in my life has a negative impact on school. I need to be able to focus more on school, myself and my child. Work and my mother don't take heed and just take, take, take from me. My work schedule is pretty stressful at the moment and I never seem to have more than a day off at a time. They cut out overtime, which I was excited about until the impact of no overtime meant that really we work some crazy crap to make up for the no OT to cover the uncovered shifts (due to vacations, sickness....). I find myself needing/wanting a week off for mental health instead of an occasional mental health day. I find myself contemplating the foot surgery that really costs more than I can afford just so I can have time off of work. How crazy is that? I want surgery to get away from this place for a bit. Yeah that isn't a good thing I'm not thinking.

It seems as if I need a break lately... that's because a lot of crap is coming all at one time and I see no stress relief. I'm trying to be less of a bury your head in the sand type gal (that is how I've dealt with stressors in the past) and deal with things but I definitely need to find a balance somewhere.

I've decided that I can go to school part time instead, a concession I didn't want to make in good times school makes me happy and makes me feel good I'm working towards something for myself and for my daughter. I'm sure this will cause more resentment towards the job and other things but it is what it is for now. I'm used to giving concessions so it won't be anything new to me. I'll just make it work out for the best and do whatever it is I need to do.

I've decided to say no to people whenever possible on social things. Lately even social things stress me out because of my work schedule being what it is it is difficult for me to attend and not compromise my sleep and down time. This is one that is going to be extremely difficult for me to do.

I've decided too look into something I think whiles stressful might alleviate some of the other stressors. I'm looking into it at the moment so I'm not sure if its an option for me but we'll see.

So in ending for today, there is a lot going on more than I've even posted or let on to but I'm working at doing more than swimming against the current, I want to swim with it for once while I breath and enjoy.

Sunday, April 19, 2009

I have it harder, you get a break...

I hate hearing that whenever discussing parenting with any other parent whether they are single or not.

Sometimes this will come up in conversation when talking about the stresses of single parenting (or even parenting partnered). It always makes me cringe. I may not hear the "I have it harder" part come out of their mouth but I do hear the "at least you get a break" which really is saying "I have it harder than you do". Really? A break from what? Parenting? Really? You think it stops because my daughter is with her dad?

Wow, if only we should be so lucky those of us that have any type of shared parenting. Just like parents who do it all on their own so do parents who have shared parenting.

Parenting doesn't stop when your child is with the other parent. I must still be a mom. Sure, I may not have to rush home to make dinner but I can tell you the "extra time" I get sans child is not spent whooping it up. I'm cleaning, signing permission slips, preparing dinners ahead, doing MY school work because I need to finish school for my child as much as I do for myself, running to the grocery store, putting in extra hours at work so I can bring in enough money... the list really does go on and on and on.

Then there are other parental obligations like just because it is dad's time with the child doesn't mean all things stop, there are still activities the kids are involved in, games, events, parent-teacher meetings, orthodontist appointments, therapy appointments, doctors appointments. It just never really stops.

I have a couple of friends that will never ever get this and a particular (well a few) family members that won't ever get it either. Its irritating yet entertaining in a way that they actually think parenting stops when a child is with their other parent.

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Summer Softball begins...

I got a call from Sabby's new coach and practice starts tomorrow, she was able to get the field twice this week during the day. Since they are on spring break she thought they could get started this week.

Those of you that have been through this kids childhood with me will know that this is a huge thing for her. She has always resisted anything social or interacting with other kids and sports. Last summer she came to me and said she wanted to play softball. It was too late to sign her up then but I said we would this year. The sign up sheets went up and she was all excited and asked if she could do it.

What makes this even better is it is only $30 to play and our local fire department sponsors the girls so all they need is their pants and I've been told cleats are optional and most girls don't have them. YAY!!!

I'm so excited and proud of my little uhhh I mean growing girl. She is still getting a 4.0 in school too!!!

This is no small accomplishment for her at all she has worked hard and now is becoming like this blossoming kid. She used to struggle so hard and was so totally socially inept. I worried for years, if someone had told me she'd have come this far I'd have thought they were crazy now I'm clinging to this new phase we are in.

I couldn't be a happier or prouder parent.

It is hard for me to go to some of my friends who are still struggling with challenging children. The medications she started a little over a year ago have really made the difference. Her medications before that made a difference but this one has really helped her grow to her fullest potential.

I can't wait to see what more is in store and what she becomes!

Monday, April 13, 2009

I need some accountability

I need some weightloss accountabililty so I'm posting here. I'm starting a weightloss/healthy eating/exercise journey.

I hope it goes well.

Thursday, April 2, 2009

Spring Cleaning

Its about that time, I did do some a couple of weekends ago. I need to do more.

What I need to do is make things easier to clean, get more organized and get rid of clutter.

I'm so bad at that, I blame my ADD. I start one thing and go "ohhhh that needs to be done" and all of a sudden I'm doing something else. That happens

I want to find ways to organize the clutter that needs to be kept and I have such limited space you wouldn't believe it and more stuff than I know what to do with. I wish I could have a garage sale but since I rent in an apartment complex lol that isn't happening. I have stuff that I could generate money on (money that would be very useful) but I'm not quite sure that will happen. Donating it is probably best rather than holding onto it hoping there is some way to sell it. Someone else can clutter their home then ha!

Now... to find the motivation.