Yesterday, we went to a family function. My cousin's son made his First Communion. I had a really nice time and I realized something... it was relatively stress free, normally our family functions are not stress free.
The next thing I realized was that my Uncle was playing cards with the guys most of the day/evening so he wasn't there to cause ruckus among everyone. I also noticed my mother wasn't there and this allowed for me to relax and not be totally stressed.
The stress that my mother causes me is really unreal. I'm not quite understanding how a mother can do that to her child.
I realized I still have a lot of anger and resentment towards her and it isn't likely to go anywhere soon unless she takes on the responsibility for the things she did to cause those feelings towards her. That is likely to never happen.
Why do I stay in contact with her? I do not know, I can not answer that except to say I'm not ready to write her off completely and disown her.
She drives me batty though, and when you add her along with the other stresses in my life at the moment it doesn't make for good health that is for sure.
Work is another issue driving me crazy, I'm hoping that in the near future I can leave this office and not look back. Out of the few issues causing me enough stress to impact my health work is another one. Money issues, work, and my mother I can pin point the stressors in my life but there isn't much I can do about any of them.
School isn't going so well and again I can say the stress in my life has a negative impact on school. I need to be able to focus more on school, myself and my child. Work and my mother don't take heed and just take, take, take from me. My work schedule is pretty stressful at the moment and I never seem to have more than a day off at a time. They cut out overtime, which I was excited about until the impact of no overtime meant that really we work some crazy crap to make up for the no OT to cover the uncovered shifts (due to vacations, sickness....). I find myself needing/wanting a week off for mental health instead of an occasional mental health day. I find myself contemplating the foot surgery that really costs more than I can afford just so I can have time off of work. How crazy is that? I want surgery to get away from this place for a bit. Yeah that isn't a good thing I'm not thinking.
It seems as if I need a break lately... that's because a lot of crap is coming all at one time and I see no stress relief. I'm trying to be less of a bury your head in the sand type gal (that is how I've dealt with stressors in the past) and deal with things but I definitely need to find a balance somewhere.
I've decided that I can go to school part time instead, a concession I didn't want to make in good times school makes me happy and makes me feel good I'm working towards something for myself and for my daughter. I'm sure this will cause more resentment towards the job and other things but it is what it is for now. I'm used to giving concessions so it won't be anything new to me. I'll just make it work out for the best and do whatever it is I need to do.
I've decided to say no to people whenever possible on social things. Lately even social things stress me out because of my work schedule being what it is it is difficult for me to attend and not compromise my sleep and down time. This is one that is going to be extremely difficult for me to do.
I've decided too look into something I think whiles stressful might alleviate some of the other stressors. I'm looking into it at the moment so I'm not sure if its an option for me but we'll see.
So in ending for today, there is a lot going on more than I've even posted or let on to but I'm working at doing more than swimming against the current, I want to swim with it for once while I breath and enjoy.
Work in Progress
9 years ago