Sunday, April 26, 2009

Family time, work, school... LIFE

Yesterday, we went to a family function. My cousin's son made his First Communion. I had a really nice time and I realized something... it was relatively stress free, normally our family functions are not stress free.

The next thing I realized was that my Uncle was playing cards with the guys most of the day/evening so he wasn't there to cause ruckus among everyone. I also noticed my mother wasn't there and this allowed for me to relax and not be totally stressed.

The stress that my mother causes me is really unreal. I'm not quite understanding how a mother can do that to her child.

I realized I still have a lot of anger and resentment towards her and it isn't likely to go anywhere soon unless she takes on the responsibility for the things she did to cause those feelings towards her. That is likely to never happen.

Why do I stay in contact with her? I do not know, I can not answer that except to say I'm not ready to write her off completely and disown her.

She drives me batty though, and when you add her along with the other stresses in my life at the moment it doesn't make for good health that is for sure.

Work is another issue driving me crazy, I'm hoping that in the near future I can leave this office and not look back. Out of the few issues causing me enough stress to impact my health work is another one. Money issues, work, and my mother I can pin point the stressors in my life but there isn't much I can do about any of them.

School isn't going so well and again I can say the stress in my life has a negative impact on school. I need to be able to focus more on school, myself and my child. Work and my mother don't take heed and just take, take, take from me. My work schedule is pretty stressful at the moment and I never seem to have more than a day off at a time. They cut out overtime, which I was excited about until the impact of no overtime meant that really we work some crazy crap to make up for the no OT to cover the uncovered shifts (due to vacations, sickness....). I find myself needing/wanting a week off for mental health instead of an occasional mental health day. I find myself contemplating the foot surgery that really costs more than I can afford just so I can have time off of work. How crazy is that? I want surgery to get away from this place for a bit. Yeah that isn't a good thing I'm not thinking.

It seems as if I need a break lately... that's because a lot of crap is coming all at one time and I see no stress relief. I'm trying to be less of a bury your head in the sand type gal (that is how I've dealt with stressors in the past) and deal with things but I definitely need to find a balance somewhere.

I've decided that I can go to school part time instead, a concession I didn't want to make in good times school makes me happy and makes me feel good I'm working towards something for myself and for my daughter. I'm sure this will cause more resentment towards the job and other things but it is what it is for now. I'm used to giving concessions so it won't be anything new to me. I'll just make it work out for the best and do whatever it is I need to do.

I've decided to say no to people whenever possible on social things. Lately even social things stress me out because of my work schedule being what it is it is difficult for me to attend and not compromise my sleep and down time. This is one that is going to be extremely difficult for me to do.

I've decided too look into something I think whiles stressful might alleviate some of the other stressors. I'm looking into it at the moment so I'm not sure if its an option for me but we'll see.

So in ending for today, there is a lot going on more than I've even posted or let on to but I'm working at doing more than swimming against the current, I want to swim with it for once while I breath and enjoy.


jeanie said...

Oh girl, there is nothing worse than when the stresses get to a point when you almost get reactionary stress just trying to untangle. Lots of hugs...

I know that your childhood was pretty rough, and your mother not cut of the cloth of the ideal mum.

"I realized I still have a lot of anger and resentment towards her and it isn't likely to go anywhere soon unless she takes on the responsibility for the things she did to cause those feelings towards her."

Hugs on that, honey. One thing my counsellor said to me once is that you can never change another person's actions or attitudes, and so this is one where your anger and resentment will fester unless she has her own epiphany.

I do hope that before that miracle occurs (because we can't guarantee the miracles) you find some way to not let her actions upset you further.

Kari said...

Jeanie, thank you! Just thank you!

Single Mom Seeking said...

Of course, I came right here to read what you've written about your mother.

I'm so curious to know what causes your stress. Something she says? Does?

As you can see, I've been careful on my blog about how much I detail... I understand.

Yeah, we are on a similar wavelength, huh?

Kari said...

Rachel, I think its totally the fact that I do feel like I can forgive her. Like we can't move on until that miracle jeanie talks about occurs.

That leads to more resentment... and that leads to everything she does even her voice sometimes just makes me feel stressed. Even when she tries to be well meaning.

It seems she is incapable of doing what I want her to do or need rather as of yet.

I find myself acting as the mother sometimes and there is a fear with lots of conversations of one day being the one stuck taking care of her. That has been a huge fear lately. I think those things all contribute to it.

I get especially annoyed/stressed when she talks about how she was a single parent and raised us all alone. That's true... but its her truth. My truth is a bit different.

I did find out why she has been so stressful to me lately though and its more of her illness and a med combo. Its hard for me to feel compassion and I get conflicted and then feel guilty and give too much.

In short our relationship is a roller coaster and she is the only parent that stuck by even at its worst. I do value that in a sense. I wish though someone would have stepped in, my dad... our family. But like you said in your post the secrets ran high in our family. They bound us. They didn't protect us they hurt us, they kept from people seeing I think how bad things really were.

I need to find a way to really just be okay and heal without what I want from her because it just isn't healthy for me at the moment at least.

What is strange is I can talk about these things online much more open than I can with any of my friends/family who live close by. Even the closest of my friends. I think it stems back to the secrets we had to keep.

My mother finds any way to justify or give her version of how things were. She will say she was a single parent, we were tough kids (I have a brother who is bipolar and aspergers, a form of autism), I was a wretched teenager. I was a wretched teenager but... she fails to see exactly why it was that way.

I also need to find ways to take my own responsibility. My mother is no longer at fault for how my life turns out... I am in control of that but I find myself blaming her a lot.

Wow, this is long... I'll end it for now but its been something on my mind a lot. I wish blogger had a way to create private posts where I could select certain viewers to read it, I could divulge so much more that way. I have a lot to say but I fear someone will find it too.