Saturday, February 21, 2009

This might just be a dating blog like I intended

or not *sigh* and *cry*

I don't know what happened but my heart is broken, I know I took this too quickly but it really was him that did and now my heart is broken and shattered yet again with no real reasons or answers.

I don't know if it really is over I just know I have a lot of pain right now and I have to be up in 4 hours to go to work and I have a sick kid and a million of other things and I just don't deal well with break-ups either. I won't go crazy and I'll be okay... I know I was okay before I met him and I'm okay now just heartbroken and confused.

Okay now that I said that out loud because it is true I just need to cry and IDK I feel very lost right now.

I know there are a lot of people out there with a lot worse going on with them but I'm allowed to take time out to hurt and not worry about that for a bit right? Its okay to be selfish and do that? Its okay to acknowledge others are going through a lot worse but its still okay for me to hurt and cry and just be the mess I am tonight... right? Because not only am I saddened I'm feeling guilty for being that way.

Update 2/20: Everything feels wrong today... my emotions are all over the place. I don't understand this at all because it truly came out of nowhere. Not only that I'm hurt regardless of how it came about. I don't understand how a couple of days ago you can say that everything is such crap in your life but one person that provides the joy he's getting and then poof do this. It makes no sense at all. Friday evening we had sex it was loving (even more so I think and everything was great Saturday morning too so why this Saturday night? Is it because he doesn't think he deserves this because he's depressed about loosing his job and trying hard to find another one without much luck? Like he has nothing to offer me and what not? He did say I deserve better (whatever that means, god its such a cliche to hear that). I know I do deserve more than the way it all went down, although there was no argument that lead up to it or anything just the way he did it was so much more hurtful it was almost like he purposely pushed me away.

I can't fix him and his problems I know that much but I could have been there for him during the rough patch. I know my friends husbands suicide was pretty triggering for him with his own father, I get that and so he has a lot on his plate. Isn't that when you lean on those that love you and not push them out and hurt them?

9 comments:

Single Mom Seeking said...

First, you have permission to write down your pain and grief. Take the space you need, vent. We're listening.

Second, it doesn't sound like this guy's actions are about you. I'm sure that doesn't make it easier, but he sounds like he's going through an incredibly stressful time. Hopefully, he can find the support he needs... in the meantime, take care of yourself, okay?

Kari said...

Thank you Rachel. I needed that more than you think.

I'm thinking of going away this weekend up north to a cottage of someone I know. I can have it to myself, Sabrina will be with dad.

I'll bring a good book, my homework, the laptop (for the homework), and something to soak in the bath in. IDK we'll see, no matter what some pampering is in store for sure.

I know logically it isn't about me, but my illogical mind is at work for now.

Right now I'm really angry with him, ask me how I feel in a couple of hours though. I hate break-up emotions!!!

jeanie said...

Okay, there is a little more info here than the other place - adds a layer of issues that I understand is hard to deal with no matter how many degrees of separation are involved.

It so much isn't about you in this, methinks Kari.

I think there should be some mourning in any relationship breakup, because you have to fold away all those little dreams that slip into your consciousness and become playthings of your mind.

As many hugs as you can take from me.

jeanie said...

Okay, there is a little more info here than the other place - adds a layer of issues that I understand is hard to deal with no matter how many degrees of separation are involved.

It so much isn't about you in this, methinks Kari.

I think there should be some mourning in any relationship breakup, because you have to fold away all those little dreams that slip into your consciousness and become playthings of your mind.

As many hugs as you can take from me.

Kari said...

Yeah, Jeanie.. I couldn't put all of it there but I can here.

I'm done being angry at the moment and sad again. I hate this. I want to call him so badly.

I planned on it in a few days, all his UIA papers are on my computer and there are a few things I want to get from his house. Maybe by then he'll know this isn't really what he wants.. IDK.

Kari said...

I really don't want to be alone tonight. I wish there was someone to come over and be here. It would help a lot.

Kari said...

So last night I took something to help me sleep I could feel anxiety in my chest and that is never a good combo for me to sleep any.

I'm sooo glad I did, I woke up refreshed mostly (well as refreshed as you can be at 4 am that is the time I have to rise for work lol).

I'm still very sad but today is better even though it is on my mind heavy I haven't cried really at all.

There are a few things I'd really like to say to him if I get the chance to.

Maybe even though he felt he wanted a good, strong LTR he went to fast for himself then combined with everything that happened recently it was too much. Here is the thing, I was giving him extra attention because I thought that is what he needed (not because I was needy for it) and he needed the opposite (or so I heard from someone) that was too much and he could 'fix' the problem by removing me only he could have 'fixed' it by telling me what he needed from me. I was the only variable he could 'fix' he felt. IDK.

I'd love to say to him when I do talk to him that I understand that he was under a lot of pressure and that I had no idea I was putting more of it on him. That I was only trying to give him what I thought he needed if he had told me then we could have worked on that and I would have given him more space. Heck I need space too and as a matter of fact some of the stuff I was doing to support him and let him know I was there for him was annoying me too but I kept doing it because that is what you do for people you love. I was doing all that even though I needed some space from him too. I like my space.

I see a very confused, stressed out man who doesn't know what to do because there is so much going on. When we met he had a good job, a working car, a new roommate (his brother) and things were going so smoothly for him. Now things are really bad and he's lost.

All that said I'm really craving human contact from someone a touch a hug... IDK why. I'm so tempted to call my backfall (an ex that is a friend but would love friends with bennies) just so I can get an embracing hug but I know that isn't right either. I did talk to him and he has been checking up on me.

Rachel said...

It's your blog, you can talk about whatever you need or want to!

You're right, you can't fix his problems or make him deal with them in a healthy way.
Friends with bennies seem to get messy after a while, but if that helps you get through a tough time, I'm not going to tell you no, since I've resorted to that a time or 2.

Kari said...

Okay another night/day almost down that I didn't call or text him!

I do need to by tomorrow that I think will be okay and I'll try to treat it like business or sort of impersonal. I'll come here instead and get it out afterward.