Getting older... blah, blah, blah!!

That's about how I feel right now.

I'll be 31 one soon, I know some of you think that I'm still a baby and to you I say I'M NOT A BABY!!! Okay, now that I've gotten that out of the way. I want to cry *sniffles* Last year for my birthday I had fabulous friends who threw me a fabulous 30th b-day bash. It was great! I had fun, and I was actually excited about turning 30. I hated most of my 20's they were a lot harder than one might think. I had a lot happen in those years and I was a mom before I even ever turned 20. Custody battles being the biggest sour note of all of my 20's. The tail end of my 20's I had a pretty major relationship end that was devastating to me. Hopes and dreams of marriage and babies went down the tubes with him (or at least it seemed that way then, I know better now the whole fish in the sea and I'm okay without and blah blah blah).

So now here I am, still single... still a mom... still going to school... still working a job I'm not entirely happy with... still... still... still.... and I'm going to be 31, next month. I don't want anyone to acknowledge my birthday... I want it to go away. I want to pretend I'm still 30 and I have a whole year to make life GRAND! I think I had this fantasy about turning 30 that something magical would happen and lemme tell ya it really hasn't.

I realize I'm fast approaching "too old" for more babies. Pretty soon those ovaries will shrivel up and the chances will be gone. On the other hand I am no where in a place to be having babies either but my clock is going like a mad (wo) man.

I've gone backwards in the past couple of years in hopes that will bring me forward one day. I know that doesn't make sense but it was a necessary evil. I haven't accomplished anything really, or I feel like I haven't.

I guess, I'm just depressed a bit. That big sigh you heard it was me... don't mind it, whining and having a pity party today.

Overwhelmed!

I haven't written in quite some time. I'm just so overwhelmed with life.

I feel very pulled lately, everyone needs something from me. I did something this weekend, I powered down my cell phone and haven't used it. I think I'm going to do that for next weekend too.

April is set to be an extremely overwhelming month with work, school, and outside obligations to friends/family.

I know part of the problem is I don't know when or how to say no. So I've decided after April is over I'm just going to power down my cell phone often. I've already made these commitments so I'll just not make any more.

No to parties
No to going out
No I can't do that this weekend

My school work is suffering, my health is suffering, my life is suffering. For now I just want to really and truly focus on me, my schooling, my health, and my finances. I've tried the explaining it to others and people just don't get it. They think oh, its just me asking for one thing. See though, its not just you asking for one thing... its you and 15 other people.

Another issue is I work Sunday thru Thursday.... most people get Sunday to relax, I don't. So everyone wants my Friday evenings and my Saturdays but no one can seem to realize that Saturday is my Sunday, Thursday is my Friday, and Friday is my Saturday. I need a relax and get stuff done day too. Also because I'm not married I think people think I'm free to just do whatever, not true. As a matter of fact even less true, there is less money because there isn't a second income, there is less time because I must do it all and also less energy because I must do it all.

I've always been pretty suckful at time management and its time I get less suckful and it so my life doesn't drive me insane!

Of course, my mom thinks the powering down the phone this weekend is ALL about her *insert the eye rolling here* she tugs too and harasses too. She is like a big huge powerful energy sucker anyway. The powering down of the cell phone had everything to do with being tugged in too many directions. I let the people that would put an APB out on me know (my mom and a couple of close friends) I was doing this. Every time I talk to my mother she tells me something she needs. I find it not amusing. Also our relationship lately has been a pretty big failure. I don't like even talking to her for short periods of time, I find myself snapping at her and getting quite snarky. I know why it is, she refuses to see why. We've never had a good relationship anyway. I've had major thoughts of cutting half of my family out of my life completely... but then the pangs of guilt come on and I just can't do it. I can however minimize crap. Okay, okay... I know she will never read this so I can come here and vent away about her. Don't think I'm some crappy daughter please, I'm not. I'm just a girl that had a very tough childhood and my mother certainly didn't make it any easier or better, she refuses to accept her responsibility in my crappy childhood, then she leeches crap from me by way of guilt (it works good btw for her). So ummm yeah there is a lot there and lately I've had my fill.

Update on George and T

So we saw George Clooney up close and personal. He smiled and said hello and walked into the covered area. He has so much yummy hot goodness mmmmmmm I was about 2-3 feet from him seriously!! Oh dear it made for a good day.

Then I finished work and went to T's. At first I gave him his things, I talked about the non-relationship thing we had to talk about and I went to get my things. I wasn't going to talk the rest he didn't seem receptive... he looked like a mess too btw. A large portion of my stuff is located in his bathroom (curling iron... toiletries you get it), his brother (they are roommates) was in there showering. Darn it stuck or leave it, I didn't want to leave some of my toiletries my favorite lotin and soap was in there (I know stupid!).

Soooo I brought it up.. I asked why. We talked quite a bit and then we decided he was being extremely stupid (not in those words) I gave him hell too and he feels ashamed for the way things went down and how much he hurt me. We also decided that maybe we can work it out and made a plan and some words of honesty. It was the first time I heard him say all my helping him out was overwhelming for him (well it was for me too but I was trying to be a good girlfriend) so we decided to 'cool off' for a bit, he will get better at vocalizing things and I will listen to his needs and vice versa, we will see each other less but he realizes my need for plans and he will respect that and make them with me instead of the on a whim thing. There is a lot more but that's all between us anyway... maybe I've said too much already but it is here now.

So that is it for now. I'll have to keep you updated on the progress.

Next week I leave for British Columbia I'll be gone from the 4th-12th (my plane lands at 11:59 pm on the 11th so I can hardly say I'll be back then lol). I may have some time to pop in here or I may not but if I don't that is where I am with my dear sweet friend.

I'm going to see him (T) today.... Oh and George Clooney too!!!

after work, if he is home. He said he should be and to contact him.

I have some important documents of his and he has some things I can pick up. I forgot something at my house (and it really is out of the way) but I'll give it to him some other time I suppose, really its his brothers and I could always meet up with his brother's girlfriend (we chit chat outside of the two of them sometimes) and give it to her too.

I'd like to talk to him, I'm going to feel out if it is too soon for him to do so... I know I'm asking for more heartache I just can't help it. If I don't think it is the right time yet then I'm going to discuss the one thing that I have to discuss with him that is more "business" type of thing and that's it. When I leave I'll just say that I'm here and if I want that I still love him.

I think he has a lot to sort out, I think he thinks he lost his job and can't take me out and do things for me, and he thinks he isn't good enough for me (the text messages from the other night say it all without saying it outright). That isn't true but he needs to work that out for himself a reminder though that I'm here basically that's it should be enough to make him think about it a bit at least and maybe he will want to work on those things himself. Maybe things will still work out I really don't know but I refuse to be the person I was during my last break-up. I refuse to crumble and turn into a crazy person. I refuse to live my life as if he was my only option... even though I have tears as I post this, and that's okay, I refuse though to let it overtake me.

Yesterday I got my nails done I really needed the boost and it was $30 well spent, this weekend a friend and I are going out to get drinks and go dancing. I'll be diva'ing it up. I've got these one silver shoes that always make me feel really good and all my guy friends are like dang girl when I wear em so those will be a good boost. I need some attention and I'll get it darn it! It always feels good after a break-up to be hit on.

My back burner friend with bennies guy has been a great support and hasn't mentioned that at all (thankfully because right now I'd sock him in the nuts) I don't want him in that way and honestly I don't want anyone that way. I learned with my last relationship (at almost 30) that I love myself more and sex is so much better with that love that I just don't want meaningless or semi-meaningless sex anymore. Plus, you weed out the better men that way I found too. What a thought. R (the friend) is a better man just not looking for the same things I am ie. marriage, he'd love a lifelong commitment in separate homes I think lol sorry not happening. However, he is a great source to lean on whenever I need him to be and a great friend to have a drink with and talk you up and I oh so enjoy a going to sporting events with him over almost anyone else.

Oh and a cheerer upper, I get to see George Clooney today he's filming where I work *swoon* Maybe I can get a picture and his autograph, we see all sorts of cool celebs at work but this is my first time seeing a filming here at work where I can get close possibly and George is worth getting close to.

This might just be a dating blog like I intended

or not *sigh* and *cry*

I don't know what happened but my heart is broken, I know I took this too quickly but it really was him that did and now my heart is broken and shattered yet again with no real reasons or answers.

I don't know if it really is over I just know I have a lot of pain right now and I have to be up in 4 hours to go to work and I have a sick kid and a million of other things and I just don't deal well with break-ups either. I won't go crazy and I'll be okay... I know I was okay before I met him and I'm okay now just heartbroken and confused.

Okay now that I said that out loud because it is true I just need to cry and IDK I feel very lost right now.

I know there are a lot of people out there with a lot worse going on with them but I'm allowed to take time out to hurt and not worry about that for a bit right? Its okay to be selfish and do that? Its okay to acknowledge others are going through a lot worse but its still okay for me to hurt and cry and just be the mess I am tonight... right? Because not only am I saddened I'm feeling guilty for being that way.

Update 2/20: Everything feels wrong today... my emotions are all over the place. I don't understand this at all because it truly came out of nowhere. Not only that I'm hurt regardless of how it came about. I don't understand how a couple of days ago you can say that everything is such crap in your life but one person that provides the joy he's getting and then poof do this. It makes no sense at all. Friday evening we had sex it was loving (even more so I think and everything was great Saturday morning too so why this Saturday night? Is it because he doesn't think he deserves this because he's depressed about loosing his job and trying hard to find another one without much luck? Like he has nothing to offer me and what not? He did say I deserve better (whatever that means, god its such a cliche to hear that). I know I do deserve more than the way it all went down, although there was no argument that lead up to it or anything just the way he did it was so much more hurtful it was almost like he purposely pushed me away.

I can't fix him and his problems I know that much but I could have been there for him during the rough patch. I know my friends husbands suicide was pretty triggering for him with his own father, I get that and so he has a lot on his plate. Isn't that when you lean on those that love you and not push them out and hurt them?

Sick kids are no fun!!

The kid is sick, she's miserable and trying to decide if a doctors appointment is needed. I think its warranted she's so rarely this miserable when she's sick. Her fever is gone but she is more miserable without it than she was with it. I hate the balance between overprotective mom and try not to worry about it mom. GAH!!!

The crabbiness is like out of this world crabby. OH.MY.LAWD!!!

Tomorrow we'll be on day 2 no school, here's hopin' that she can get better by Monday. Today was supposed to be the first day back at school after winter break and she didn't go, my kid was disappointed ha! I was the kid pulling the heat the thermometer on the light bulb trick like in E.T.

I got an award!

How cool is that? I think its pretty neat-o myself ;)

The rules for this award:Choose a minimum of 7 blogs that you find brilliant in content or design.Show the winners names and links on your blog, and leave a comment informing them that they were prized with “Honest Scrap.” There’s no prize, but they can keep the nifty icon.

List at least 10 honest things about yourself.

1. I can not stand a dirty bathroom, it will send me into much anxiety
2. I also (in the theme of the bathroom, I have a thing what can I say) can not stand absolutely EVER the bathroom fan being on at all for any reason
3. I watch 2 shows fairly reguraly Grey's and Desperate Houswives, I realize they are junk and I don't care
4. I'll try almost anything once
5. I have a not so nice pet name for my mom
6. I have changed my major in school a bazzillion times
7. I am rarely too hot, usually I am too cold and you can find me wrapped in a double fleece blanket at anytime with sweats and a sweatshirt on with an undershirt underneath of it
8. I loathe doing the dishes but love cleaning the bathroom
9. I have what my allergist calls phantom allergies and they come and go and I never know when or to what I'll react to, I have nasty life threatening reactions so it isn't fun
10. I freak out in every relationship I have ever had and usually have to be talked down from the "I'm running out of this things screaming" ledge thankfully I have good friends to do that for me

My 7 blog recommendations (please go visit them):

Jeanie in Paradise
Lifestyle of a Divorced Single Mom
Single Mom Seeking
The New Frugal Mom
Fabulous Financials
Fighting Foreclosure
Rich Single Momma

This was really hard, in reality these are blogs I frequent whenever I see a new post, all the blogs I read I love reading every single post so none more than others. I too wish I could list them all