I'm going to see him (T) today.... Oh and George Clooney too!!!

after work, if he is home. He said he should be and to contact him.

I have some important documents of his and he has some things I can pick up. I forgot something at my house (and it really is out of the way) but I'll give it to him some other time I suppose, really its his brothers and I could always meet up with his brother's girlfriend (we chit chat outside of the two of them sometimes) and give it to her too.

I'd like to talk to him, I'm going to feel out if it is too soon for him to do so... I know I'm asking for more heartache I just can't help it. If I don't think it is the right time yet then I'm going to discuss the one thing that I have to discuss with him that is more "business" type of thing and that's it. When I leave I'll just say that I'm here and if I want that I still love him.

I think he has a lot to sort out, I think he thinks he lost his job and can't take me out and do things for me, and he thinks he isn't good enough for me (the text messages from the other night say it all without saying it outright). That isn't true but he needs to work that out for himself a reminder though that I'm here basically that's it should be enough to make him think about it a bit at least and maybe he will want to work on those things himself. Maybe things will still work out I really don't know but I refuse to be the person I was during my last break-up. I refuse to crumble and turn into a crazy person. I refuse to live my life as if he was my only option... even though I have tears as I post this, and that's okay, I refuse though to let it overtake me.

Yesterday I got my nails done I really needed the boost and it was $30 well spent, this weekend a friend and I are going out to get drinks and go dancing. I'll be diva'ing it up. I've got these one silver shoes that always make me feel really good and all my guy friends are like dang girl when I wear em so those will be a good boost. I need some attention and I'll get it darn it! It always feels good after a break-up to be hit on.

My back burner friend with bennies guy has been a great support and hasn't mentioned that at all (thankfully because right now I'd sock him in the nuts) I don't want him in that way and honestly I don't want anyone that way. I learned with my last relationship (at almost 30) that I love myself more and sex is so much better with that love that I just don't want meaningless or semi-meaningless sex anymore. Plus, you weed out the better men that way I found too. What a thought. R (the friend) is a better man just not looking for the same things I am ie. marriage, he'd love a lifelong commitment in separate homes I think lol sorry not happening. However, he is a great source to lean on whenever I need him to be and a great friend to have a drink with and talk you up and I oh so enjoy a going to sporting events with him over almost anyone else.

Oh and a cheerer upper, I get to see George Clooney today he's filming where I work *swoon* Maybe I can get a picture and his autograph, we see all sorts of cool celebs at work but this is my first time seeing a filming here at work where I can get close possibly and George is worth getting close to.

This might just be a dating blog like I intended

or not *sigh* and *cry*

I don't know what happened but my heart is broken, I know I took this too quickly but it really was him that did and now my heart is broken and shattered yet again with no real reasons or answers.

I don't know if it really is over I just know I have a lot of pain right now and I have to be up in 4 hours to go to work and I have a sick kid and a million of other things and I just don't deal well with break-ups either. I won't go crazy and I'll be okay... I know I was okay before I met him and I'm okay now just heartbroken and confused.

Okay now that I said that out loud because it is true I just need to cry and IDK I feel very lost right now.

I know there are a lot of people out there with a lot worse going on with them but I'm allowed to take time out to hurt and not worry about that for a bit right? Its okay to be selfish and do that? Its okay to acknowledge others are going through a lot worse but its still okay for me to hurt and cry and just be the mess I am tonight... right? Because not only am I saddened I'm feeling guilty for being that way.

Update 2/20: Everything feels wrong today... my emotions are all over the place. I don't understand this at all because it truly came out of nowhere. Not only that I'm hurt regardless of how it came about. I don't understand how a couple of days ago you can say that everything is such crap in your life but one person that provides the joy he's getting and then poof do this. It makes no sense at all. Friday evening we had sex it was loving (even more so I think and everything was great Saturday morning too so why this Saturday night? Is it because he doesn't think he deserves this because he's depressed about loosing his job and trying hard to find another one without much luck? Like he has nothing to offer me and what not? He did say I deserve better (whatever that means, god its such a cliche to hear that). I know I do deserve more than the way it all went down, although there was no argument that lead up to it or anything just the way he did it was so much more hurtful it was almost like he purposely pushed me away.

I can't fix him and his problems I know that much but I could have been there for him during the rough patch. I know my friends husbands suicide was pretty triggering for him with his own father, I get that and so he has a lot on his plate. Isn't that when you lean on those that love you and not push them out and hurt them?

So another night out... with a picture of the new man and me.

So yes, now I look like a complete party animal lately. I really don't know why, because I am, but I rarely get to do that.

Also drunkeness... it doesn't become me at all. This particular night (last weekend), little ole me got into a bar fight. Who does that at 30? Me and my 35 year old dear friend do apparently. We whooped arse if you really wanna know, this will be the story to tell for many moons to come because well... we don't get to get out often and we rarely oh so rarely have good stories to tell anymore. Anyway this girl stole my purse, my phone, my money... I confronted her in a polite way I might add, she got lippy and I gave her choices. Her choice was a fight... so it was what it was. It was so funny, I gave her choices like I would my 11 year old (heck for all she looked all of 17 herself and got lippy like a 17 year old anyway).

So in this pic, T thinks I'm being all friendly when in reality I know I look like crap especially because I'm drunk, and I don't want my mug showing all that much in the picture soooo I kissed him for it so my ugly mug doesn't look so ugly. Shhh don't tell him that... we'll let him believe I was being all friendly ;) So anyway this is the new man, I like bald men what can I say?

Rejection.. I hate it

So, I've been avoiding the rejection of the guys I needed to let down. Two of them went away on their own when I flaked out on them.

M, I didn't really flake out on because he wasn't contacting me and when he did it was a text here or there inquiring about how I was doing ect... We are both single parents, he is primary and sole of his two children and we are both very busy. When we met ages ago we just wanted to date and date other people. He lives an hour away in another state so we texted and talked only occassionally and then went out even less than that as our schedules allowed. We had great fun together but I never felt any chemistry with him, who knows maybe he didn't either and felt we were just friends too.

Anyway, Monday he called and wanted to get together sometime this month and also wanted me to go with him and his kids and some others to go see a Christmas lights thing next month (he invited Sabrina too). Boy, he asks early lol but he understands the schemantics behind being a parent and getting out. He's a really great guy, just not for me which sucked when I realized that but he was a great companion and provided great company.

So I sent him an email (cringe, I am a coward what can I say?) in response to his text yesterday that I never replied to and told him my battery was dead (great now I'm a liar too).. Why is it that when you have the most men at your disposal is when you don't want them there? So is an email okay for this purpose?

Here is what I sent:

Hi M (name removed obviously),

How are you?

I got your
text messages late last night but I was exhausted and went to bed since I had to
be up early for work today. My battery was dead most of the day and my charger
was at home so I didn't get them until I charged it and was ready for
bed.

I needed to let you know though that I have been dating and
have decided to see where it goes with one person in particular. I'm not sure
where it will go for sure but I wanted to give this a chance and decided not to
date other people anymore. That doesn't mean I can't have friends, but I need to
be clear as well to be fair.

If you still want to talk on the phone
and be friends let me know, if not I completely understand that as well. I have
enjoyed your company and you are a really nice guy, it would be great to remain
friends as I think we both have a bit we can support each other on (parenting
for one thing).

I hope this message finds you well and I'm sorry
that I didn't respond last night.

Talk to you soon!

Sooo was I wrong to do it this way? I just sent it so no going back now.

Tell me, what have you done in the past?

R-E-S-P-E-C-T.. and other things

So things with T are going smashingly well.

We spent a good portion of the weekend together and it was blissful. I was just in the hospital recently so we just watched movies and ordered pizza one day and another one we went to the movies. It was just nice to cuddle on the couch.

He held my hand, put his arms around me all the nice stuff that I really enjoy and that most men I've been with lack in. I let him know how much I enjoyed it so he continues lol He is very very attentive. He sang to me in his not so nice singing voice but it was sweet anyway (and funny). We just had a lot of fun getting to know more about one another.

He called me his girlfriend so we had a talk about that (YAY, I didn't have to be the one to bring it all up).

I'll stop the gushing stuff to tell you that this man is so respectful. This morning he texted me, like he does every morning to say good morning, but today he let me know he forgot to charge his phone last night. Why is that important to me you might ask?

Well.. I've come used to hearing from him through out the day with little things like "how is your day?" or what not. My most recent ex (and yes I'm going to compare here but I do that so little... I think), would let his phone die and we lived in separate areas in a long distance relationship. The problem was I would worry and he had no one in his area. Anyway it ended up being a big issue because it was happening too often one time it happened for 2 days because... well that's not important. This ex and I were talking marriage so it isn't like I was being a psyco (although I did for other things lol). Because this was a big issue, it is now to me. T and I haven't talked about it or anything we aren't at that point yet. I thought though it was really cool that he thought of me to tell me with the last of his battery that basically I'm sorry I won't be texting you today, and this is why. When things get even more serious between us it will be important to me that he respects me enough to let me know say he's going to be home late or something like that. I was impressed... or maybe I'm looking to far into this lol

Fishing was fun but...

It would seem on the surface that casting my pole into the sea roused up several fish. I let some go right away; a few were tossed back after getting to know them via the phone. There is one I’m still needing to let go but not entirely sure how, and then there is M as well… need to let him go but he’s from ages ago and I think we are just friends but he invited me for dinner and a movie at his place… that’s not a friends thing is it?

Anyway that brings me to T, T was my date who was a friends neighbor. The date that has turned into 5 dates and the reason I need to let go of J (tossed back though about a week ago), M, N and probably remove my POF profile. This is something I will be bringing up during our next conversation. Although, I’m not sure how well in the hurt feelings department that is going to go. See I’m pretty confident that all along I’ve been T’s only fish. I will gently remind him I guess that we never discussed commitment further than we both were looking for that.

Now is the time to have a discussion I think, because… well because I think you can all guess why. SEX. Yes, I’d like to have sex with this man. I don’t mean I have to right now but eventually I’d like this man in my bed doing the deed. I don’t think I am capable of having sex with one man while I date a multitude of others. I’ve been quite the promiscuous little vixen in my life but I decided that was behind me a while back and I’ve mostly stuck to it. I feel that T and I have a connection, the dating is ready to take to the next level, and I see it going somewhere (he does too he has said as much). T has put everything in my hands, has been patient and understanding and has said that I am in control. Way to put the pressure on T!! Thanks ;)

Now, all of this being said: I have also felt myself get giddy over this man, that stupid giddy feeling that I dread with a passion. Giddy makes me stupid!! The man causes those stupid butterflies that every girl it seems swoon over and I roll my eyes at. I’ve gotten caught up in giddy before… it leads to trouble lemme tell ya. So I’m trying to be rational through the butterflies and giddiness and keep my head on straight. I don’t want to be the girl that calls every hour and says “ohhhh I miss you boo boo so so much” like an hour after he leaves. That is just barftastic. I’ve been there before; I have no plans of going back. I think it is relatively normal to feel giddy and therefore want to act in stupid ways especially for women. I think I’m doing fairly well at combating that desire to act like some swooning, smitten, school girl. Even if secretly I am a swooning, smitten schoolgirl (hey and I’m in college so I can claim schoolgirl easily).

Let the games begin... or not.

Really the games is not what I'm looking for but what can I say? It was the title that popped in my head.

I've changed my mind about dating. I've decided it will be fun to go out and date, so I have a date for Friday night. Something a friend set up. He's short she says... but he's funny and she thinks I'll really like him. So I'm going, what the heck right?

I need to do some things for me right now, for too long I've let guilt get in the way of being a happy person. No more... or at least until I change my mind again. I'm ready to be happy, with or without a man. I am happy without one, but it would be nice to have someone to spend some time with. I have no grand illusions that some perfect prince charming is out there. No one is perfect.

I am very critical of men though and I hope I can let some of that go. I even got on a dating website and updated my profile and made it public again.

This fish is in the water and casting her pole.

This is not the post I was going to make... but....

I just thought of it and will elaborate more later.

I am not dating for now. Unless mister right comes waltzing in my life on some white horse, I'm just not into it at the moment. I'm too busy, too distracted, and too stressed to worry about dating and men at the moment.

Also, I have concluded that I don't attract the stalkers, the creeps, the jerks... they attract me. They are all out there where the nice guys just sort of sit in the shadows waiting, never to be discovered by a girl like me... unless I make that so. At any rate I don't have time to weed through them all.