This might just be a dating blog like I intended

or not *sigh* and *cry*

I don't know what happened but my heart is broken, I know I took this too quickly but it really was him that did and now my heart is broken and shattered yet again with no real reasons or answers.

I don't know if it really is over I just know I have a lot of pain right now and I have to be up in 4 hours to go to work and I have a sick kid and a million of other things and I just don't deal well with break-ups either. I won't go crazy and I'll be okay... I know I was okay before I met him and I'm okay now just heartbroken and confused.

Okay now that I said that out loud because it is true I just need to cry and IDK I feel very lost right now.

I know there are a lot of people out there with a lot worse going on with them but I'm allowed to take time out to hurt and not worry about that for a bit right? Its okay to be selfish and do that? Its okay to acknowledge others are going through a lot worse but its still okay for me to hurt and cry and just be the mess I am tonight... right? Because not only am I saddened I'm feeling guilty for being that way.

Update 2/20: Everything feels wrong today... my emotions are all over the place. I don't understand this at all because it truly came out of nowhere. Not only that I'm hurt regardless of how it came about. I don't understand how a couple of days ago you can say that everything is such crap in your life but one person that provides the joy he's getting and then poof do this. It makes no sense at all. Friday evening we had sex it was loving (even more so I think and everything was great Saturday morning too so why this Saturday night? Is it because he doesn't think he deserves this because he's depressed about loosing his job and trying hard to find another one without much luck? Like he has nothing to offer me and what not? He did say I deserve better (whatever that means, god its such a cliche to hear that). I know I do deserve more than the way it all went down, although there was no argument that lead up to it or anything just the way he did it was so much more hurtful it was almost like he purposely pushed me away.

I can't fix him and his problems I know that much but I could have been there for him during the rough patch. I know my friends husbands suicide was pretty triggering for him with his own father, I get that and so he has a lot on his plate. Isn't that when you lean on those that love you and not push them out and hurt them?