I'm still tired...

I think its time for another doctors visit. I keep getting shrugged off nothing is wrong. Recently they thought something major was wrong, thankfully I was tested and everything 'seems' fine.

Now I have new symptoms and the old one went away... turns out the old one was an infected cyst so there was something wrong just not the knee jerk reaction wrong that the doctor thought due to family history.

I feel like a hypochondriac, I find myself wondering is it that or is it the fact that I am just an odd duck and there is something there that isn't "classic case"?

*sigh* more weird symptoms... nothing is ever simple symptoms.

So here I am blogging about it because maybe they will go away that way. I've never been one to take my health serious enough until it gets bad. I ask for advice I don't take until it gets worse and then I see a doctor. I guess I just don't trust my gut when it comes to illness. As a child there are issues deeply imbedded and my relationship with ex has me questioning myself all the time too due to things he had said during our relationship.

Its funny, or rather not funny, that one can come so far in healing themselves but these things they always have a way of creeping up on you... you aren't really ever healed it just sits there. There really is no logical reason I don't trust my own instincts regarding my health and body but I have this fear that the doctors will think I'm the crazy and I'll walk out of there with the knowledge that others were right I am just over reacting or whatever it is that 'they' said. Time and time again most times I have had it proven to me I should have sought care sooner, like when I got pneumonia, I ended up really sick because I thought I just had a cold and was afraid to go to the doctor for fear I'd be laughed at for coming in for a wittle ole cold.

Stupid... yes, irrational... yes, there in my head keeping me in fear... yes. *sigh*

Anyone else like this?

More stress... financial stress

So you'll have to view my blog entry at my other blog here in order to see but suffice it to say for this reason and some personal reasons I'm stressed.

I got Wii Fit this past Thursday as a gift for my birthday and actually that has been helping. The kicker is I had to see the lawyer on my Birthday to get a consult. I retained him.

I'm in this mess for several reasons a big one is custody crap the other big one is medical bills. I'm not even in credit card debt really.

I'm overwhelmed, completely and utterly... but I'm hanging in there and I'm doing things to not feel so overwhelmed.

There are also some family issues going on I'm not really ready to discuss here but its been rough. It will get better though... I hope.

Onto some good things... my kiddo is in softball and its fun to watch, I took Sunday off as a floater and relaxed all day. Some laundry was done and dinner was cooked other than that I sat on the couch all day long it was bliss, sheer bliss.

Family time, work, school... LIFE

Yesterday, we went to a family function. My cousin's son made his First Communion. I had a really nice time and I realized something... it was relatively stress free, normally our family functions are not stress free.

The next thing I realized was that my Uncle was playing cards with the guys most of the day/evening so he wasn't there to cause ruckus among everyone. I also noticed my mother wasn't there and this allowed for me to relax and not be totally stressed.

The stress that my mother causes me is really unreal. I'm not quite understanding how a mother can do that to her child.

I realized I still have a lot of anger and resentment towards her and it isn't likely to go anywhere soon unless she takes on the responsibility for the things she did to cause those feelings towards her. That is likely to never happen.

Why do I stay in contact with her? I do not know, I can not answer that except to say I'm not ready to write her off completely and disown her.

She drives me batty though, and when you add her along with the other stresses in my life at the moment it doesn't make for good health that is for sure.

Work is another issue driving me crazy, I'm hoping that in the near future I can leave this office and not look back. Out of the few issues causing me enough stress to impact my health work is another one. Money issues, work, and my mother I can pin point the stressors in my life but there isn't much I can do about any of them.

School isn't going so well and again I can say the stress in my life has a negative impact on school. I need to be able to focus more on school, myself and my child. Work and my mother don't take heed and just take, take, take from me. My work schedule is pretty stressful at the moment and I never seem to have more than a day off at a time. They cut out overtime, which I was excited about until the impact of no overtime meant that really we work some crazy crap to make up for the no OT to cover the uncovered shifts (due to vacations, sickness....). I find myself needing/wanting a week off for mental health instead of an occasional mental health day. I find myself contemplating the foot surgery that really costs more than I can afford just so I can have time off of work. How crazy is that? I want surgery to get away from this place for a bit. Yeah that isn't a good thing I'm not thinking.

It seems as if I need a break lately... that's because a lot of crap is coming all at one time and I see no stress relief. I'm trying to be less of a bury your head in the sand type gal (that is how I've dealt with stressors in the past) and deal with things but I definitely need to find a balance somewhere.

I've decided that I can go to school part time instead, a concession I didn't want to make in good times school makes me happy and makes me feel good I'm working towards something for myself and for my daughter. I'm sure this will cause more resentment towards the job and other things but it is what it is for now. I'm used to giving concessions so it won't be anything new to me. I'll just make it work out for the best and do whatever it is I need to do.

I've decided to say no to people whenever possible on social things. Lately even social things stress me out because of my work schedule being what it is it is difficult for me to attend and not compromise my sleep and down time. This is one that is going to be extremely difficult for me to do.

I've decided too look into something I think whiles stressful might alleviate some of the other stressors. I'm looking into it at the moment so I'm not sure if its an option for me but we'll see.

So in ending for today, there is a lot going on more than I've even posted or let on to but I'm working at doing more than swimming against the current, I want to swim with it for once while I breath and enjoy.

It's a rainy day!

It is no secret to most of my close friends that I love the rain. Today is a rainy and stormy day. Those are my favorite days. I wish I’d have known in enough time, I might have called in to enjoy my rainy day. Maybe that is a good thing, I did take a mental health day not all that long ago.

Let me explain a bit. I find rainy days cleansing. It rains, it storms and it washes everything away. I let the rain cleanse my soul. Usually this will bring all sorts of feelings to the surface I never allow out there otherwise. I won’t pretend to be in total control of my feelings; I am a woman after all. There are certain feelings though that don’t come out so easily and I can control them from surfacing. It is when it rains I allow those to come out and deal with whatever issues are causing or have caused them.

Growing up in a dysfunctional family as well as a sordid childhood I learned to shut things out and off. I find that allowing me a time to let go is actually healthy. Rain and stormy days don’t always mean doom and gloom sometimes I can allow myself to rejoice in something I haven’t allowed myself time to get totally excited about.

Today would have been a perfect day to open the blinds, get a cuppa, sit on my couch with a good no brain needed book and allow myself to think, giving myself time to sort through everything in my head. Not necessarily a ‘feeling’ day but a sort it out day.

So I sit here in my office, with all the rain and storms outside, the airport will run as usual (unless it gets too bad out there), and I have no windows. I just would like to say that most days I enjoy this… watching planes all day long gets boring but on days like today a window would be nice. The good thing is that I only have 5 more hours left and I get to leave. I’m making chicken and dumplings tonight I think… good soul food, oh and a pot of chili to freeze (YUM!!).

Fishing was fun but...

It would seem on the surface that casting my pole into the sea roused up several fish. I let some go right away; a few were tossed back after getting to know them via the phone. There is one I’m still needing to let go but not entirely sure how, and then there is M as well… need to let him go but he’s from ages ago and I think we are just friends but he invited me for dinner and a movie at his place… that’s not a friends thing is it?

Anyway that brings me to T, T was my date who was a friends neighbor. The date that has turned into 5 dates and the reason I need to let go of J (tossed back though about a week ago), M, N and probably remove my POF profile. This is something I will be bringing up during our next conversation. Although, I’m not sure how well in the hurt feelings department that is going to go. See I’m pretty confident that all along I’ve been T’s only fish. I will gently remind him I guess that we never discussed commitment further than we both were looking for that.

Now is the time to have a discussion I think, because… well because I think you can all guess why. SEX. Yes, I’d like to have sex with this man. I don’t mean I have to right now but eventually I’d like this man in my bed doing the deed. I don’t think I am capable of having sex with one man while I date a multitude of others. I’ve been quite the promiscuous little vixen in my life but I decided that was behind me a while back and I’ve mostly stuck to it. I feel that T and I have a connection, the dating is ready to take to the next level, and I see it going somewhere (he does too he has said as much). T has put everything in my hands, has been patient and understanding and has said that I am in control. Way to put the pressure on T!! Thanks ;)

Now, all of this being said: I have also felt myself get giddy over this man, that stupid giddy feeling that I dread with a passion. Giddy makes me stupid!! The man causes those stupid butterflies that every girl it seems swoon over and I roll my eyes at. I’ve gotten caught up in giddy before… it leads to trouble lemme tell ya. So I’m trying to be rational through the butterflies and giddiness and keep my head on straight. I don’t want to be the girl that calls every hour and says “ohhhh I miss you boo boo so so much” like an hour after he leaves. That is just barftastic. I’ve been there before; I have no plans of going back. I think it is relatively normal to feel giddy and therefore want to act in stupid ways especially for women. I think I’m doing fairly well at combating that desire to act like some swooning, smitten, school girl. Even if secretly I am a swooning, smitten schoolgirl (hey and I’m in college so I can claim schoolgirl easily).