I need to get to this thing more often....

the thing is though that I'm not sure what to write these days.

I should have blogged my whole wedding process what fun that would have been to look back upon one day!

Speaking of the wedding is in less than 3 weeks!

I'm going to make a huge effort to blog and maybe not have a real focus for now. I am thinking on having a specific focus for this blog but I haven't quite decided yet.

Update on George and T

So we saw George Clooney up close and personal. He smiled and said hello and walked into the covered area. He has so much yummy hot goodness mmmmmmm I was about 2-3 feet from him seriously!! Oh dear it made for a good day.

Then I finished work and went to T's. At first I gave him his things, I talked about the non-relationship thing we had to talk about and I went to get my things. I wasn't going to talk the rest he didn't seem receptive... he looked like a mess too btw. A large portion of my stuff is located in his bathroom (curling iron... toiletries you get it), his brother (they are roommates) was in there showering. Darn it stuck or leave it, I didn't want to leave some of my toiletries my favorite lotin and soap was in there (I know stupid!).

Soooo I brought it up.. I asked why. We talked quite a bit and then we decided he was being extremely stupid (not in those words) I gave him hell too and he feels ashamed for the way things went down and how much he hurt me. We also decided that maybe we can work it out and made a plan and some words of honesty. It was the first time I heard him say all my helping him out was overwhelming for him (well it was for me too but I was trying to be a good girlfriend) so we decided to 'cool off' for a bit, he will get better at vocalizing things and I will listen to his needs and vice versa, we will see each other less but he realizes my need for plans and he will respect that and make them with me instead of the on a whim thing. There is a lot more but that's all between us anyway... maybe I've said too much already but it is here now.

So that is it for now. I'll have to keep you updated on the progress.

Next week I leave for British Columbia I'll be gone from the 4th-12th (my plane lands at 11:59 pm on the 11th so I can hardly say I'll be back then lol). I may have some time to pop in here or I may not but if I don't that is where I am with my dear sweet friend.

I'm going to see him (T) today.... Oh and George Clooney too!!!

after work, if he is home. He said he should be and to contact him.

I have some important documents of his and he has some things I can pick up. I forgot something at my house (and it really is out of the way) but I'll give it to him some other time I suppose, really its his brothers and I could always meet up with his brother's girlfriend (we chit chat outside of the two of them sometimes) and give it to her too.

I'd like to talk to him, I'm going to feel out if it is too soon for him to do so... I know I'm asking for more heartache I just can't help it. If I don't think it is the right time yet then I'm going to discuss the one thing that I have to discuss with him that is more "business" type of thing and that's it. When I leave I'll just say that I'm here and if I want that I still love him.

I think he has a lot to sort out, I think he thinks he lost his job and can't take me out and do things for me, and he thinks he isn't good enough for me (the text messages from the other night say it all without saying it outright). That isn't true but he needs to work that out for himself a reminder though that I'm here basically that's it should be enough to make him think about it a bit at least and maybe he will want to work on those things himself. Maybe things will still work out I really don't know but I refuse to be the person I was during my last break-up. I refuse to crumble and turn into a crazy person. I refuse to live my life as if he was my only option... even though I have tears as I post this, and that's okay, I refuse though to let it overtake me.

Yesterday I got my nails done I really needed the boost and it was $30 well spent, this weekend a friend and I are going out to get drinks and go dancing. I'll be diva'ing it up. I've got these one silver shoes that always make me feel really good and all my guy friends are like dang girl when I wear em so those will be a good boost. I need some attention and I'll get it darn it! It always feels good after a break-up to be hit on.

My back burner friend with bennies guy has been a great support and hasn't mentioned that at all (thankfully because right now I'd sock him in the nuts) I don't want him in that way and honestly I don't want anyone that way. I learned with my last relationship (at almost 30) that I love myself more and sex is so much better with that love that I just don't want meaningless or semi-meaningless sex anymore. Plus, you weed out the better men that way I found too. What a thought. R (the friend) is a better man just not looking for the same things I am ie. marriage, he'd love a lifelong commitment in separate homes I think lol sorry not happening. However, he is a great source to lean on whenever I need him to be and a great friend to have a drink with and talk you up and I oh so enjoy a going to sporting events with him over almost anyone else.

Oh and a cheerer upper, I get to see George Clooney today he's filming where I work *swoon* Maybe I can get a picture and his autograph, we see all sorts of cool celebs at work but this is my first time seeing a filming here at work where I can get close possibly and George is worth getting close to.

This might just be a dating blog like I intended

or not *sigh* and *cry*

I don't know what happened but my heart is broken, I know I took this too quickly but it really was him that did and now my heart is broken and shattered yet again with no real reasons or answers.

I don't know if it really is over I just know I have a lot of pain right now and I have to be up in 4 hours to go to work and I have a sick kid and a million of other things and I just don't deal well with break-ups either. I won't go crazy and I'll be okay... I know I was okay before I met him and I'm okay now just heartbroken and confused.

Okay now that I said that out loud because it is true I just need to cry and IDK I feel very lost right now.

I know there are a lot of people out there with a lot worse going on with them but I'm allowed to take time out to hurt and not worry about that for a bit right? Its okay to be selfish and do that? Its okay to acknowledge others are going through a lot worse but its still okay for me to hurt and cry and just be the mess I am tonight... right? Because not only am I saddened I'm feeling guilty for being that way.

Update 2/20: Everything feels wrong today... my emotions are all over the place. I don't understand this at all because it truly came out of nowhere. Not only that I'm hurt regardless of how it came about. I don't understand how a couple of days ago you can say that everything is such crap in your life but one person that provides the joy he's getting and then poof do this. It makes no sense at all. Friday evening we had sex it was loving (even more so I think and everything was great Saturday morning too so why this Saturday night? Is it because he doesn't think he deserves this because he's depressed about loosing his job and trying hard to find another one without much luck? Like he has nothing to offer me and what not? He did say I deserve better (whatever that means, god its such a cliche to hear that). I know I do deserve more than the way it all went down, although there was no argument that lead up to it or anything just the way he did it was so much more hurtful it was almost like he purposely pushed me away.

I can't fix him and his problems I know that much but I could have been there for him during the rough patch. I know my friends husbands suicide was pretty triggering for him with his own father, I get that and so he has a lot on his plate. Isn't that when you lean on those that love you and not push them out and hurt them?

So another night out... with a picture of the new man and me.

So yes, now I look like a complete party animal lately. I really don't know why, because I am, but I rarely get to do that.

Also drunkeness... it doesn't become me at all. This particular night (last weekend), little ole me got into a bar fight. Who does that at 30? Me and my 35 year old dear friend do apparently. We whooped arse if you really wanna know, this will be the story to tell for many moons to come because well... we don't get to get out often and we rarely oh so rarely have good stories to tell anymore. Anyway this girl stole my purse, my phone, my money... I confronted her in a polite way I might add, she got lippy and I gave her choices. Her choice was a fight... so it was what it was. It was so funny, I gave her choices like I would my 11 year old (heck for all she looked all of 17 herself and got lippy like a 17 year old anyway).

So in this pic, T thinks I'm being all friendly when in reality I know I look like crap especially because I'm drunk, and I don't want my mug showing all that much in the picture soooo I kissed him for it so my ugly mug doesn't look so ugly. Shhh don't tell him that... we'll let him believe I was being all friendly ;) So anyway this is the new man, I like bald men what can I say?

R-E-S-P-E-C-T.. and other things

So things with T are going smashingly well.

We spent a good portion of the weekend together and it was blissful. I was just in the hospital recently so we just watched movies and ordered pizza one day and another one we went to the movies. It was just nice to cuddle on the couch.

He held my hand, put his arms around me all the nice stuff that I really enjoy and that most men I've been with lack in. I let him know how much I enjoyed it so he continues lol He is very very attentive. He sang to me in his not so nice singing voice but it was sweet anyway (and funny). We just had a lot of fun getting to know more about one another.

He called me his girlfriend so we had a talk about that (YAY, I didn't have to be the one to bring it all up).

I'll stop the gushing stuff to tell you that this man is so respectful. This morning he texted me, like he does every morning to say good morning, but today he let me know he forgot to charge his phone last night. Why is that important to me you might ask?

Well.. I've come used to hearing from him through out the day with little things like "how is your day?" or what not. My most recent ex (and yes I'm going to compare here but I do that so little... I think), would let his phone die and we lived in separate areas in a long distance relationship. The problem was I would worry and he had no one in his area. Anyway it ended up being a big issue because it was happening too often one time it happened for 2 days because... well that's not important. This ex and I were talking marriage so it isn't like I was being a psyco (although I did for other things lol). Because this was a big issue, it is now to me. T and I haven't talked about it or anything we aren't at that point yet. I thought though it was really cool that he thought of me to tell me with the last of his battery that basically I'm sorry I won't be texting you today, and this is why. When things get even more serious between us it will be important to me that he respects me enough to let me know say he's going to be home late or something like that. I was impressed... or maybe I'm looking to far into this lol